Smiles are all I seem to be capable of these days. My friends are getting annoyed that I'm always smiling. They tell me it's not natural. I just smile at them some more.

I haven't spoken about the last time I saw her. It was almost two weeks ago. She came up here from the coast on a Friday and I met her at a mall around lunchtime. I walked around a corner to where we were to meet and there she was. She was the first person I saw, and I saw no-one else as I walked towards her. She was looking around for me but didn't see me, and so she walked towards a nearby shop. As I was approaching her, I was thinking that maybe I should just stand there and watch her for a few seconds - she was so beautiful, and I was again amazed that this beautiful woman was my girlfriend and was in love with me.

We kissed each other hello, and had a coffee, and talked. After that, we started a weekend of introducing her to all my friends. (It's my turn next time I go to see her!) It must've been harrowing for her, but she handled it well. Better than I expected - and the good thing was that she didn't run screaming in horror after having met them all. Hehehe.

We went to ORAC, and she met Scot and his friend Ken, and my two housemates, the Davids (David and David). It was great to have them see my girlfriend. I enjoyed that immensely.

On that Friday night, we went out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant, and I was glad that the food was great. We went back to my place and tried to work out what to do next. We had two choices. We could go out in the rain to a noisy nightclub and listen to a live band, or we could relax in my spa. It didn't take us very long to work out which was the better choice! Two hours later, we finished relaxing in the spa and got out. That's when she fainted in my arms.

It's not often a man has a woman faint in his arms. When she woke up, she told me that if she gets hot and is in a humid environment and stands up quickly, she gets dizzy. But the last time she fainted was when she was a teenager. So I guess it must've been a combination of the warm, humid air, and being in my arms! *smile*

I'll tell ya, it scared the bejesus out of me. I had all these thoughts flash through my head. Was she dead? Was she playing games? Had she fainted? What should I do? Should I turn off the heater first or call the ambulance? It was weird. It was scary. It was the unknown. But if it happens again, I won't be as scared. Phew.

So that was Friday. It was a wonderful, enjoyable and exciting day. Then came Saturday.

I had to work at ORAC for 4 hours (from 10am to 2pm - as usual) and while it was a bummer having to do that, it was great to kiss her goodbye as I left for work... hehehe. She came in to see me around lunchtime and spoke of how nice it was to relax on a Saturday morning without having her children bothering her - it was a nice break for her. I was happy that she was enjoying herself, and told her how nice it was to have her keep me company at my work. However, it was obvious why workplace relationships are 'bad' because I wasn't able to get anything done! Too much kissing and not enough customers. Eventually I had to take a break from her and get some accounting done. Priorities... *sigh*

After work finished we had lunch and then ended up visiting some more friends, Alex and Erin. They were the couple that I used to live with until I moved to where I am now. I had to return to Alex some VCD's that I'd borrowed from him, and while we were there, he put on his copy of The Matrix. I had to see my favourite scenes of course, where they fought the SWAT team in the foyer of the building, and on the roof. But then I had to drag 'Missy' away from the movie, because we were supposed to be going for a drive into the country - it was a nice day for it - and there was only an hour or so left of sunlight. I was shocked at myself! I'm the fanatic in regards to The Matrix, and I was dragging HER away from it! Hehehe. I'm glad she likes my favourite movie though...

The drive in the country was great. We saw some kangaroos and I stopped to take some photos of them. It was really nice.

After we got back home, we relaxed for a little while, and then freshened up to go out to dinner at another friend's place. We were there from just after 7 to about 1am. It was a thoroughly enjoyable evening, and Missy seemed to be having a great time. I was glad that she was liking my friends.

Sunday. The last day of her being there for that weekend. It was a day of sadness. We went for another drive along the same route we went the previous day, but we were both sad that we wouldn't be seeing each other again for another two weeks. We walked through a koala enclosure, looking for some koalas. We found one. I felt sorry for it. It was like a zoo, being on display for passers-by to see. It was interesting to see it, but I guess I was in a melancholy mood and didn't enjoy it as much as I could have. It was nice being there with Missy though. We'll be doing more walks in the nature reserve like that, but in future we'll be going along the open walking trails, rather than through prison-like enclosures.

We came back to my place and spent some time just holding each other, being in each other's arms, memorising our feelings and each other. Neither of us wanted to part ways, but sadly, it was unavoidable.

We kissed goodbye... and did it again. And half an hour later, we stopped. And I watched her drive away, feeling a sense of loss. Knowing that we would be together again in two weeks time did nothing to soften the sorrow that she wasn't around anymore.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been phoning her as usual. Our phone calls are our only life-line to each other. We tell each other about our days events, our thoughts and feelings on various issues in our lives, and are most importantly our only means of expressing our feelings and how much we miss each other. We can't caress each other physically, so we 'caress' each other verbally. It's nice. It keeps us going.

It's obvious that we are going to be together, it's just a matter of time and, until last night, a matter of who was going to move where. Last night was a resolution of that issue. The decision has been made, a goal has been set. She is about to build an extension onto her house, allowing another bedroom to be added on. The goal is that when that happens, I will move down there shortly after. I'll need the extra room there for my computer and other stuff.

I have told my housemates and my friend Scot that I'll be moving to the coast sometime within the next 6-12 months. They all tell me I'm stupid. I told them they don't know what they're talking about. They told me I'll lose my friends and my social life. I told them the story of my moving to Canberra from Adelaide. It was back in 1992, and it was to follow a girl that I cared for, but didn't love. I moved halfway across the country for her (13 hours by car). I know that I can move 2.5 hours (by car) for someone I'm deeply in love with.

Life is all about change. We either embrace change and move on with our lives, or we deny it, and remain stagnant. I ended up losing all my friends in Adelaide, something which saddened me, but moving to Canberra was the best thing I ever did in my life. It's obviously time for a change again, and I embrace it with everything in my soul. Following your heart is always a good thing - it leads to great rewards. I was rewarded by moving here, and I know that I'll be rewarded by moving there.

My god, this is such a long entry! But it's been great writing it. See ya next time I write something...

Love.

What is it?

Hmm... I was going to do a poem here, but decided at the last minute (a few seconds ago!) that I'm not a poet. I'm a writer, yes, but not a poet. I'll leave the poetry to those people who know how to do it.

But let me continue my little expedition into love.

I used to believe I was in love in the past, but now I know that they were just preparing me for what love is really like. It's like... I was being weaned into it by mild episodes of love that didn't mean anything in the grand scheme of what love really is.

I don't know what love is.

All I know is how I feel, and for the first time in my life, the feelings I have fit comfortably into the concept of marriage.

I used to believe that I would never get married, that an outdated religious ceremony wasn't for me. I felt that I didn't need a piece of paper to tell everyone that I loved a woman. However... everything's different now. I'm in love with a woman, and the concept of marriage is something that entices me. I've learnt about non-religious marriages (or whatever they are called) with the creation of your own vows, and all that kind of thing, and it's something that I've been thinking about.

Don't get me wrong... you know as well as I do that I've only known this woman for 6 weeks now. I'm not talking about marrying her right now, or even in the near future. It's not like that at all. What I'm talking about here is my feelings, and how they relate to the concept of marriage. It's something that is new to me, but I've been inspired to think about it because I'm in a love that I've never had before.

I guess I should talk about that. Love. I've had it before. Twice. However, my love on both occasions was never really reciprocated... I was in love with them, and they weren't in love with me. Oh, and then there's been an occasion when a woman declared her love for me, but I didn't feel the same way towards her. They really weren't very positive relationships...

For the first time in my life, I am in love with a woman who is in love with me.

The connection we feel for each other, the feelings that we inspire in each other, the way we feel knowing the other is there... this is love.

We've both decided that we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other. Up until a few days ago, that was as far as that went - a declaration of lifelong love, so to speak. However, I was thinking about that, and related it to marriage. My biggest objection to marriage was the hypocrisy of religions, and the knowledge that relationships can change as time goes by, and the stress of marriage can make a bad relationship even worse - it's better to have an easy separation as friends than a divorce as enemies.

But my mind has been changed. I'm so convinced that I'm going to be with this woman for the rest of my life that the thought of a non-religious marriage is very attractive.

I raised it with her during this past week, and she said, "I'm glad you raised that, as I've been thinking about it too..."

The result of that conversation was that if things are the same (or better) between us in a couple of years, then we're going to get married.

An exciting concept for an exciting time!