Well hello again... Welcome back to the land of my journal.

I know that many of you have been wondering what's been going on with me and my life. I can tell you now that I've been wondering the same thing. That's the biggest reason I haven't written anything in here for so long.

For a long time, I didn't know what was happening between me and Missy. Every time I thought I did, something happened to change what I felt was right - or wrong. Everything was so confusing for me, that I couldn't bring myself to write about it, because I didn't know if what I wrote 'now' would be appropriate 'tomorrow'. Instead, I just waited for things to resolve themselves in my relationship with Missy. Now they're resolved.

I'm single again.

But at least I'm not confused anymore, and I can talk about something I know about. Me. I couldn't talk about 'us' before because I didn't know what was going on.

That's my explanation for not having written anything, and I'm sticking to it.

Don't get me wrong. Things were great between Missy and I for a long time - the entire 6 and a half months that we were together. In between times of uncertainty, those times of certainty were wonderful, and I don't regret anything of what happened. Missy and I are still friends - we stopped 'officially' being a couple almost a week ago - and we've been friends ever since. I hope that doesn't ever change, because she's a special and wonderful person who I don't ever want to lose from my life. I can handle the relationship changing focus, but I couldn't handle losing her as a friend. (Well, I guess I could... but I don't want to. You know what I mean....)

My life has changed a lot because of Missy. I'd been single for a long time, and never had any motivations or inspirations to do anything really substantial. I was always waiting for someone special to come along... well, she did. And things changed. I became General Manager of a large Internet Service Provider in Canberra. That's a MAJOR change. I have moved forward in my attitudes and belief in myself. I've had to become more assertive and goal-oriented because of the position I'm in. I've moved into a place by myself. While this might not seem so interesting to you, you need to realise that I've always shared with friends or other housemates ever since I moved away from home. All my life I've been living with people. Now I'm living by myself, and it's excellent! I could say that I wished I'd done it earlier, but for everything there is a time... and my time for living alone hadn't arrived until now. Last but not least, I've been going to a tanning studio. Again, this might not seem exciting to you, but for me it's incredible. All my life I've lived with pale skin which has been an embarrassment to me. Every time I went out into the sun all that happened was that I got burnt - I never got tanned. I decided to try something different and started going to a tanning studio that a friend recommended. Their reasoning was that instead of going out into the sun and experiencing uncontrolled, burning rays, I should opt for a controlled measure of NON-burning rays. I thought I'd give it a go, as I had nothing to lose. I'm excited about the changes in my appearance... instead of being pale, I'm now getting tanned! Woohoo! Imagine how you'd feel at living with scarred skin for most of your life, from a fire when you were a baby. Then one day you found a way of restoring your skin to being smooth and unblemished. How would you feel? While mine wasn't that bad (LOL), the feeling is a little like what you imagined just then.

A few other changes that have occurred have been due to reasons unexplained. While I was going out with Missy, something that others have told me in the past became very real to me. What I've been told in the past is that when you're single, no girl is available. When you're taken, you can't get rid of them! It's never happened to me before until just recently. While I was with Missy I received the attraction of at least two other women. As soon as Missy and I broke up, another one came on the scene just last week.

It's like... they're everywhere! When I needed them all, where were they? When I didn't need them, they came crawling out of the woodwork!! hehehe.

Now that I'm single again, I'm sure I'm going to have an interesting time...

So that's a bit of an update on me and my life. Welcome me back, because I'm here to stay for a little while longer.

Oh... and Happy New Year!

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I've just been tidying this journal up, and I ended up looking at my entry for January 1st 1999. I was inspired to write another entry and tell you what my New Year's Eve 2000 was like.

I wasn't alone this time, like I was last year... I spent Christmas and the New Year with Missy and her family. It was a big difference to what I experienced last year...

On New Year's Eve I was with Missy and her kids at her friend's place, where we all got drunk and waited for the fireworks. Well, we didn't ALL get drunk - the kids drank coke or something. Unfortunately it started raining and was pretty cold as well! So we were forced to stay indoors and we watched the fireworks in Sydney on TV. They were incredible! We all wished we were there, instead of watching them on tv. After that we all went to bed.

Now, while we'd all been drinking a reasonable amount during the evening, we didn't think it was that much, and by the time we'd gone to bed we were all still ok. I wasn't even tipsy or dizzy or whatever. When we woke up though - that was a different story! I had the worst hangover in about 15 years! Every time I moved, my head threatened to explode on me! Missy was even worse... she spent most of the day in bed or throwing up into a bucket... it was horrible!

By about 2pm I hadn't improved much and neither had she, but she decided that it would be better to be in her own bed at home rather than at her friend's place, so I packed the kids up into the car and carefully drove us home. What was even worse for me was that I'd forgotten my sunglasses the night before, so I'm driving with a killer headache and the sun was glaring at me!! I was glad to get home. Missy collapsed into bed and then the kids demanded that their new wading pool be blown up for them. With a huge sigh, I went outside and started blowing it up. With every breath, my head was literally causing me pain, but I knew my pain didn't matter to the kids - they just wanted to go swimming in the pool! Why did I do that instead of just laying on the bed and crashing? Because I knew how they would feel if they were disappointed.

Many years ago, I vowed that if I ever had to look after kids - of my own or someone else's - I would always do what my parents never did for me. Many kids grow up to be like their parents - I vowed to be the exact opposite.

Anyway... eventually my hangover disappeared as I was watching Millennium Live, a show on tv that was showing all the new year celebrations and fireworks from every major city around the world, as it was happening live. It was pretty cool. I think Sydney had the best fireworks in the world, closely followed by Paris. I'm sure that New York's Times Square came close after Paris, but they seemed to focus more on ticker tape than on spectacular fireworks. Americans are weird...

That night, after Missy had recovered and the kids had gone to bed, her and I watched Saving Private Ryan. She hadn't seen it before, so it was good to watch it with her, to listen to her reactions at all the shocking parts....

So that was my New Year. I wonder if next year will be as good - or better? I know that I'm going to be drinking less alcohol, that's for sure. The hangovers were probably due to mixing drinks... no more mixing!

On the Sunday I was returning to Canberra while Missy was at work. However, a bizarre thing happened. I was walking across her veranda when suddenly a floorboard fell out from underneath my right foot, which went straight through the hole and was trapped in the veranda. Meanwhile, the rest of my body kept going through the momentum of walking and so I fell over onto the ground in front of the veranda. I don't know how, but my leg did NOT break! My ankle was trapped and was fixed in an upright position, and the rest of me fell over and was lying at an angle below the point the ankle was trapped. Maybe I've got rubber bones or something... Anyway, I was sure that it had snapped like a twig, and I was trying to get it out of the hole. Due to the angle of my position, I was unable to get any leverage and couldn't get up and couldn't lift it out. Then I panicked a little and almost ripped it out! When being gentle doesn't work, force usually does... I got up and was walking around a little but couldn't feel anything wrong with it. No grating of snapped bones, no pain, nothing. But I had a cold sweat all over me, so I knew I was in shock of some sort, and maybe that was preventing me from feeling anything wrong. I called Missy just in case I needed her to drive me to a hospital, but as I was telling her what happened, I was still walking around. I decided that there was indeed nothing wrong with it. Apart from a few small cuts and a deep indentation in the skin where it was pressed against the floorboard, I was fine. So I relaxed for a couple of hours and then drove home, visiting Missy on the way through.

As I was writing that paragraph, I just realised that was the last I saw her before... well, you know. Feelings... that's what this is about. I guess I'm still feeling. Not that that's too surprising.

Even though I was so much in love, a relationship can't continue if both partners don't love each other. 'Love is worth fighting for' is a true statement, but what's the point in fighting for something that's not there?

Life goes on, and so have I.

The lady I mentioned in me earlier entry above, who came onto the scene last week... I think she's helping me move forward. But she doesn't realise it yet. I can be dragged forward, kicking and screaming all the way, or I can just go with the flow that is life.

Her name is.... oops! Almost told you! Hehehe. Privacy is of great concern to me. We'll call her... Jill. That'll do.

Jill came over for a party with Scot and I last week, on Friday night. She got smashed on red wine by 4am, and ended up crashing in my bed. That wasn't part of the plan... I had an airbed on the floor of the lounge room for her! Scot went home in disgust... So I ended up sleeping next to her. That was fun in a way. It was obvious she liked me because of her jumping into my bed like that, plus a couple of small things she'd done earlier, but I wasn't going to do anything. Why? Good question. Main answer is: what if I am wrong, and she just assumed that as a gentleman I'd give her the bed and I'd sleep on the airbed? Second answer is that I didn't have enough body language during the night to really state that's what she wanted. And since friendships are more important to me than sex, I decided to err on the side of caution rather than make a fool of myself. When we woke up the next morning, we spent a couple hours chatting and joking before getting up, showering, and heading into the city for breakfast/lunch. That was nice and relaxing. Afterwards we came back here and she crashed on the couch (still feeling rotten!) while I played a computer game. Then she went home later in the afternoon.

She has an interesting sense of humour - very sarcastic. I've seen her since the weekend, and it was a most interesting occasion. I had to go over to her place to fix her computer. Now, the first time I was there a couple weeks ago, her dad seemed very protective (she lives with her parents still) and was hanging around as I was working on the computer. However, when I went over again this weekend, my status seemed to have changed. No longer was I just some tech support guy who should be watched as I worked on the computer... This time her parents were very chatty and friendly and even alluded to the fact that I should stay for dinner. And when I was working on the computer and chatting to... Jill... her sarcasm was in full swing.

Sarcasm is a defensive sense of humour - it often disguises nervousness, etc. It was obvious that she was nervous by the fact that she was extremely sarcastic about things... After I'd finished with the computer, she asked me if I wanted to stay for dinner. Unfortunately I had to get back home and complete some work for the evening, so I declined staying for dinner. However, it was obvious to me that something had changed in that household towards me....

Interesting.

Later that night, I asked her if she wanted to go to the movies, but she declined due to the short notice. Fair enough.... but she asked if I had any plans on the weekend, which I don't. She said we'd have to change that...

So... I've just ended a relationship with one, and now life drags me forward. I'm not given much time to feel sorry for myself, am I? Before I can, this happens to drag me forward, take my mind off the past and embrace the future.

I think that's an excellent idea, don't you? No point hanging around in the past.

I've done that in the past. Life and circumstances are telling me not to do it again. Or.. I'M telling myself not to do it again.

Another of my philosophies is: we create our own reality. Our life is a reflection of our most prominent thoughts. If we constantly think about how much we lack, then we will. If we think about how wonderful life is, then it will be. Obviously I'm thinking of how attractive I am... and tah-dah! I am!



Well... that's just a theory. But whatever is happening in my life, I'm looking forward to what life will bring me.

Don't look back. You can never look back.

Look forward. If you don't, think of all the opportunities you might miss out on because you didn't see them.

I'm feeling in a melancholy mood right now. That's probably my most creative mood, in terms of writing in here, so I thought I'd do just that. I'm sitting here wondering why I feel this way. I'm bored. I've actually got nothing to do right now, nor do I have any inclinations to do anything anyway. I'll just sit here and wallow... but wallow in what? Sorrow? Self-pity? Loneliness? Hmmm...

Maybe loneliness.

Yeh, that's it. And a bit of sorrow too.

I miss Missy.

Love doesn't come along very often and when it does, it's special. Obviously. It hurts to lose it. Hurts a lot. I thought that I'd gotten over the hurt, but the way I'm feeling right now, I guess I didn't. Probably silly of me to think that I could do it so quickly...

I've decided it's more sorrow than loneliness, but they are hand-in-hand right now, and I've got the tissues out.

When you meet someone who just grabs your heart like she did, it's not an easy process to let go. What hurts the most is that I couldn't be any better or any loving than what I was. When I review everything about myself and us, in order to try and work out where I went wrong, I can't see anything wrong with anything that I did, said or felt.

It just wasn't meant to be.

At least for Missy, it wasn't meant to be.

In our eternal quest for our one true partner in life, why do some of us have to go through so much pain? Is there someone out there who will love me as much as I love them? Is there such a thing as a soul-mate in my life? Will my quest for a beautiful, special woman to share my life with be fruitless? Am I destined to walk this earth alone?

These and other questions may be answered in time. But the only answer I have right now is loneliness.

It's been part of my life for as long as I can remember, way back to childhood. But I'll never get used to it. I don't want to be lonely. I don't want to go through a life which is exciting and wonderful, but to have no-one to share it with just sucks.

Some people are happy to go through life without needing or wanting someone to share it with. I wonder why I'm different. My excuse is that I want to share my happiness with someone special in my life. But am I just afraid to be alone? What am I really afraid of?

I don't know.

I just know that I miss Missy.

I've been asked by someone tonight on ICQ to go through the relationships with women that I've had in the past, and state what I learnt from each of them. An interesting challenge, and one that I thought would be an interesting learning experience as well. So I agreed.

My first relationship really goes back to high school. It was actually two relationships. Both of them were an absolute waste of energy at the time, because I never did anything. Whenever they confronted me about my feelings for them, I denied everything. I was stupid, naïve and self-conscious. I couldn't admit to liking them, because then I risked humiliation, and that was something I just wasn't prepared to handle. So these two girls - Cheryl-Anne and Cindy - captured my heart. I was the one who ripped my heart to shreds over it all. What did I learn? I learnt a number of things. Don't let opportunity pass me by. Don't let the risk of humiliation prevent me from showing and admitting my feelings for another. I wonder what could have happened had I had the courage to be honest back then.

The next relationship as such was with Samantha; I was aged about 24 at the time. That was basically an infatuation. I wanted what I couldn't have. What made it all the more enticing for me was that she knew I wanted her and she kept on hanging around. This was good for her, because she used my infatuation to get what she wanted, but gave me nothing in return - except her company. However, the very fact she stayed with me was enough for me to think that maybe she really liked me… I ended up running away because she wouldn't leave. I got nothing from that emotional leech, not even sex. But I learnt not to take that shit from anyone again.

The next relationship I had was with some woman whose name I can't remember. I was a virgin up until this point. A friend of mine and I went out to a nightclub and we came back with two women who were friends of his. He slept with one and I slept with the other. I was a little drunk, very nervous and hung up on Samantha. This one-night stand was a disaster for me, and I learnt that I don't like one-night
stands…

Along came Debbie shortly after this. I was STILL hung up on Samantha, and Debbie helped me get through that. She was 18, sexy and into leather. Strange girl… She was patient, but not patient enough. Our relationship lasted about 3 weeks before she gave up. I don't blame her. She thought my 'problems' with sex with her was because of her. I couldn't tell her that I could only think of Samantha and Debbie wasn't Samantha… well, you can see where that went… What did I learn from this? Honesty is a good thing. If I had've told her about Samantha and me trying to get over her, I'm sure it would have been easier for Debbie, and thus for both of us. Debbie might have chosen to be more patient and understanding, or she might have chosen to leave anyway. At least she wouldn't have left feeling guilty about herself.

Who was next? Kate. I moved from Adelaide to Canberra to be with Kate. Her family was here and she wanted to come here, so I came with her. We split up a month after I got here. What did I learn from that? Nothing. I'd do that all over again. There are different lessons here… Basically, the reason she left me was because I was apathetic. I'd been working 13-hour days, 7 days a week, for 2 years straight. I left that job and moved here with her straight away, and after getting here I was on the dole ('welfare' for you people who don't live in Australia). I wasn't looking for work. Instead, I was just enjoying the relaxation of not having to work. I did a lot of creative stuff for my personal enjoyment. I created entire worlds and religions and histories for a role-playing game I was working on. This was fantastic as far as I was concerned, and was THE most creative part of my entire life (so far). But for Kate, all that she knew was that she was out working while I was lounging around at home 'doing nothing'. So she got fed up with it all. From that relationship I learnt that you can't be lazy around women. While they might understand the desire for relaxation, they also feel the desire for their partner to be enthusiastic, a hard worker and ambitious. That seems to be a basic need women have for qualities in men, which has been shown to me since then, to be correct. So I learnt that I can't relax around girlfriends.

After Kate came Estera. I learnt that ex-girlfriends really COULD be friends after a relationship has ended, and her and I have been that way for the past 5+ years now. I don't think it'll end. I learnt that for women to be friends with their ex-boyfriends, they have to believe that they don't HAVE to end. They can change instead.

The next relationship was with Petra, a girl from Taiwan. I learnt that women can have huge emotional problems and no matter how understanding you are and how you try to love and accept them, you can't fight their own attitudes about themselves. If they aren't prepared to accept themselves and their problems and deal with them, then there's no way you can help them.

After that was a Chinese girl called Helen. She was almost as emotionally screwed up as Petra, and I learnt that maybe all Asian women are like that… (Just kidding!)

Then along came 'Missy'. With her, I had the most meaningful relationship I've ever had in my entire life, and yet we were together for only a short time. I don't really know what I've learnt from Missy… it's too close to me. Time hasn't healed the wound and allowed me to see it relatively objectively yet. Oh yeh… there's one thing I learnt from it. Long-distance relationships are incredibly hard. I learnt I don't want to go through that again. If I'm to develop a relationship with a woman, it's got to be in the same city. Got to be. That's the only way you can develop a healthy relationship and maintain it. There has to be the relaxed and easy attitude towards going out, and the spontaneity of making a phone call and just going out somewhere. So I learnt to look for my soul mate a little closer to home.

And that, my friends, is that. The relationships I've had, and what I've learnt from them.

Now, I wonder what I learnt from this exercise? I'm not really sure. I think that I haven't learnt anything at all. But it's been an interesting distraction for a couple of hours to write about it, and I'm sure I'll review this at a later stage. Maybe my learning from it is yet to come to me. Or maybe it'll be significant only to the person who asked me to write about it. I don't know. We'll just have to wait and
see…

No quote today. I'm continuing my time of mourning.