"My life is very... complex."

That's what Michael Keaton said (as Bruce Wayne) in the movie Batman... At the time I certainly related to what he said. Now I'm relating to it even more.

Eleven months ago, you may remember me mentioning a lady in the UK who I was getting along with extremely well. So well, in fact, that she was going to move out to Australia, and I was trying to help her by attempting to set her up with some work when she got her. But it didn't work out for a number of reasons. Well, she's back... She contacted me on Sunday, telling me that now that I was single again, she wanted to try 'us' again... She's living in New Zealand now, and has already booked a flight over here for the 20th April, which is only 8 days away.

Now, while I'm excited by the prospect of actually meeting her, because for a while last year she was very special to me (in a virtual reality/spiritual sort of way), I'm also wary of her motivations. I want a friendship with her, but she wants a lot more.

She wants to develop things between us because I'm single again. If only it were that simple... I'm single again, yes, but I've also realised just last week that one of those two women I've been confused about, is someone I really care about. I decided to focus all my attention on her and see what happens. And then along comes this other lady who wants to take me away to New Zealand and live happily ever after, who wants me to change focus completely, so that she's the subject of it. I can't do that.

But I can be friends, and we can explore that relationship. I hope she understands.

The lady who I've really decided to focus on has been mentioned by me before. We met over a year ago, and it's taken this long for her to let me become close to her. Now I really, really, really like her... REALLY like her. Really, I do. But it's so frustrating sometimes, 'cause she's got so much baggage that she's carrying around. She's aware of it, and she's made me aware of it, which is all good, 'cause there's nothing hidden, and we both know exactly what's going on and why. But it's frustrating 'cause she obviously likes me, and knows I like her, but she doesn't want to do anything until she's sorted out her baggage. Now, while I know this is admirable and definitely worthwhile, that's where the frustration lies. So I just have to be patient. All good things come to those who wait. And the bonus here is that we're building a solid friendship that will always be important for any kind of future between us.

I'm becoming a male slut. This is a new experience for me. It's taking some time getting used to, and even accepting, 'cause I've always felt that the women in my life should always be focussed on by me. But right now, I've got women all over the place who are interested in meeting me for whatever reasons. And I don't care if they're all reading this right now, because every single one of them knows where they stand in my life, and they all accept those facts and potential consequences. It's just so goddamn bizarre that I'm going through this right now.

Where once I was alone and desperate for company, now I have more potential company than I know what to do with... My life has gone through an entire about-face in relation to the women in my life. And that's why it's now 'complex'. It's like a juggling act between them all, making sure that there are no false expectations or lies, and that they all know that as soon as I'm actually NOT single anymore, that their relationship with me becomes friends-only, with no possibilities of any intimacy. As I keep being told by various friends (male and female)... enjoy it while I can.

It's been brought to my attention - AGAIN - that there are some of you reading this who enjoy reading this, and who want to give me their thoughts about whatever is on their mind in relation to what I say in this journal. But fear is a huge barrier that you've got to deal with. What is it, fear of rejection? Fear that I'm going to think you silly for sharing your thoughts with me? Fear of saying the wrong thing? You shouldn't worry about it. I don't... this journal is an obvious sign of that. If I'm not afraid of what you might think about me, then you shouldn't be afraid of what I might think about you. FEEDBACK is essential - so give it to me. Click on the feedback link at the top of the page and send me an email.

I also don't have enough subscribers to my email list that notifies you of when there's an update in this journal, so I'm going to add a link to the bottom of every entry now, as many of you might not even realise there's an email list for this journal. Not only does it allow you to receive notification of updates, but it also allows you to send comments if you so choose. Hey, an entire discussion could possibly take place about me and my journal.... LOL

Last night I had an argument with a friend of mine. As a result of that argument, I decided to have a break from the roleplaying hobby that I've been playing extensively over the past 12 years. I decided that my creativity right now is being tested to the extreme. All the characters that I'm putting a lot of effort into are dying in the course of the game, or end up 'doing stupid things' and it's pissing me off. So I'm going to take a break from it for a few months and clear my head somewhat.

After I made that decision, I looked back upon the past few weeks and realised that something is happening in my life. A couple of weeks ago, I quit my job as General Manager at the ISP I was working for. I'm looking for some other work right now. And now I'm taking a break from my favourite hobby. It seems obvious to me right now that there are separations occurring in my life. I'm breaking various ties I have with my employment, and with my friends.

Why?

You and me will find out together....

Do you remember me saying this in my last entry? "...wants me to change focus completely, so that she's the subject of it. I can't do that."

I was wrong.

She was here over the Easter weekend - which was only a week ago. For the entire time leading up to her arrival, and then the first 3-4 days of her being here, I rejected everything that she offered. I told her I was in love with someone else. I told her I didn't feel what she felt. I told her that she'd best not expect too much or she would get disappointed. I was a monster. I was mean and horrible. But she came, she saw, and she conquered.

And it was because I loved 'Missy' that I fell in love with this lady from NZ (hereafter called Mish).

That probably seems bizarre to you... and it almost seems bizarre to me, and I was there! Let me explain...

It was on the Sunday afternoon that we went to the coast. It was a spontaneous decision on my part. I had originally planned on taking her there on Monday morning, returning late afternoon. But on Sunday afternoon, I got an idea in my head to show her a sunset from the beach of a lovely ocean. Which meant we had to be there overnight, in order to get up for the dawn. So I rang around to get a hire car (station wagon), so we could stick my airbed in the back of it, but not a single hire car firm had anything available whatsoever. Then I rang Missy and asked if she knew of any hotels/motels that might have any vacancies, but she didn't. Then she said that I could borrow her two-man tent if I liked. After a little bit of discussion with her about this, I accepted. So Mish and I went down that afternoon and went to Missy's to pick up the tent. Missy offered us a drink, then invited us out to dinner This was a surprise to me, but Mish liked her, so we went out with her.

At one point there were fireworks, and we stood at the windows to watch them. I looked over at Missy once, and she seemed so sad and lonely, I wanted to go over to her and give her a hug and tell her that I loved her still, but because of Mish being there and being in love with me, I felt uncomfortable at doing so. Anyway, after we left Missy at a club with her friends, Mish and I sat in the car outside. She knew I had loved Missy so much, and she knew I felt sad about something, so she talked to me and helped me express things. Instead of being jealous or whatever, she gave me so much love and support and understanding and compassion and acceptance... something just snapped inside of me. I knew that she wanted the best for me, including understanding my feelings and accepting the love I have for others. She was sincere, genuine, and accepting, without being demanding or jealous. So that was when I decided to 'surrender' to whatever was happening, and I told her I loved her.

The rest of the weekend was excellent. The whole time with her was far better than I ever expected.

So I went from denial of love, to acceptance of love. All because she proved to me that she supported me and my feelings for others.

So you can see that I fell in love with her because I loved Missy. It's a bizarre world I live in.

It was sad to see her leave, and I've missed her since.

We have planned for me to go over to New Zealand. I've shown her my home, and now she wants to show me her home. It was originally planned that I'd go there early to mid-June, but it might be earlier now. She's trying to find me some work there as well, to help me move there. I might be going over near the end of May instead.

Move there??? I hear you exclaiming. Yeh, I felt the same way. But there have been a lot of things happening to me in the past month which have made me feel that it's the next step in the path that I follow. First I quit work - I'm not working now. Then I have a break from my hobby, and I find that my friends don't seem to be talking to me anymore... was I just a role-playing companion? So I was disappointed about that. The two main reasons for me staying in Canberra had taken a nose-dive. The third main reason for me staying in Canberra was Miss X, who I'd decided (before Mish arrived) that I was in love with. But I knew that Miss X wanted to take things slowly.

On Tuesday night I created a separation from that as well, telling Miss X how I felt about her, but that I couldn't wait anymore, and that I had to move on. That was so hard to do! But I felt good after I did it.

The fourth main reason for staying here in Canberra - which is really the biggest reason - is that I love this place so much. It's my home, and it's so beautiful here. But everyone tells me that Wellington, NZ, is so much nicer. And Mish has a stronger bond to Wellington than I have to Canberra, so it'll be easier for me to move there than it would for her to move here. So that's what I decided.

It still depends on whether we can really get along for the time that I'm there... It's going to be a holiday, maybe a working holiday, and it might be for anywhere from 1 to 6 weeks - maybe longer. It should give me ample time to work out if I want to be there, and if her and I want to be with each other.

Times, they are a-changing, and I'm changing with them. Talk about going with the flow... the flow here is taking me overseas!!! Well, I've never been outside of Australia, so this will be a wonderful new experience.