I've been going through a period of adjustment these past few days. I didn't realise it until just a few minutes ago, and once I realised it, I had to write about it in here.

For a long time now, I've been a devotee of the selfish attitude, where you do things only for your personal happiness - as long as it does not detract from the happiness of others. Well, something is changing in my life. And I think I'm happy about it.

Let me go back to a beginning...

For as long as I have known I was able to be a father, I've never wanted kids of my own. I have never felt the desire to have my own kids. In fact, I've had an aversion to it. I thought that my ideal situation was to be with a woman who already had kids. I've been thinking it was because I didn't want to go through the experience of raising kids from birth.

However, I've known that it's related to my own childhood. It was never a good one, and I never wanted to run the risk of repeating the patterns that a lot of kids have programmed into them by their own parents. I never wanted to be the kind of father that my father was to me.

In the past few days, this has really come to a head. It's become a serious issue which has needed resolving.

Michelle wants kids. She really, really wants kids. When she was here on Easter, her and I discussed it briefly, and I expressed my aversion to the idea, but I was happy to possibly end up adopting. A few days ago (Thursday), this came up in a conversation with Scot's new girlfriend. She was horrified that I could consider 'forcing' a woman to adopt when she was capable of having her own. At the time, I just shrugged and said 'deal with it'. On Friday, that conversation came up between Scot and I, and he said that she was ready to rip my jugular out, but - after discussion continued and she learnt something about my childhood - she realised that my attitude was based on my own bad childhood and she forgave me. This really made me think about my past and what I was doing right now with Michelle. I realised how cruel my attitude was, and I was shocked at how insensitive I was.

On Friday night, in a web-phone conversation with Michelle, she was really depressed about her day and things that were happening in her life. I was doing my best to provide love and support and understanding. Then she started talking about the possibility of losing her job, and ending up having to leave New Zealand and return to England. She suggested that a good way of preventing that was that when I come over there, I marry her. At this very point, I spat the dummy and got depressed myself. Michelle and I almost split up then and there. I felt she was trying to pressure me into marriage and kids, and I wasn't ready or willing - therefore I felt that I would end up hurting her too much in the future if I continued the relationship. I let the conversation deteriorate to a point where she was 'letting me go and telling me we'd always be friends'. I didn't want this though! And neither did she. So after another couple of hours of conversation, a few things were resolved.

After much discussion, it was discovered by me that my issue with kids was based around the fact that I believed I was a mistake. By being a mistake, I caused my parents some incredible unhappiness, as they never wanted to be together - they only got married because my mum accidentally got pregnant. For my entire childhood, I had it drummed into me that I was a mistake, that if it wasn't for me, they'd both be much happier living different lives with different partners. I was the blame for all their mistakes. As a susceptible child, I was brainwashed into believing that was true.

During this discussion with Michelle, allowing all this shit to rise to the surface, I realised that the real reason I didn't want kids was because I didn't want to make the same 'mistake'. I didn't want the responsibility of causing the unhappiness of the woman I got pregnant, and having us both blame the child/ren that would be born and grow, and having them feel the same way I felt. My entire existence was based around the belief that getting married and having children was a mistake. No wonder I never wanted to get married or have kids!!!

The 'crisis' between Michelle and I was resolved somewhat by her stating that if she could be with me when I didn't want kids or to get married, or to be with someone who did want kids and to get married, then she'd choose me - because she loved me and that was all that was important to her, and that she's never found anyone like me anywhere else.

I was amazed! Immediately the 'pressure' came off, and again I was amazed at how much this woman must love me. She was prepared to sacrifice everything that she believed in, just to be with me.

We had a nice conversation last night and tonight - everything was back to normal in regards to our relationship. We were happy and she is definitely over her depression right now. We had a fun chat tonight, it was excellent.

However, earlier today was the next step in my adjustment.

Miss X - who I've mentioned before - wanted my company today, as she went to see her children for Mothers Day (they live an hour or so away in a town called Cooma). Her ex husband has been giving her a lot of shit, and she needed my support. This was fine by me. I love her dearly, she's a wonderful friend, so it was good to be there for her. We spent half a day with her kids, and during that time I observed her how I've never seen her before - with her kids. She was so happy, and it was obvious that it was a wonderful thing for her to be with them on this special day. I watched her happiness, and how she interacted with them. It was a nice time for me as well, even though I sat and just watched for most of the time. I did let her son play with a game on my mobile phone... I think he liked that. Miss X liked that too... she told me that doing stuff like that makes kids relate to you more, when you can appeal to their interests and be on a similar level to them. I thought more about the ways I have interacted with kids in the past.

The latest part of my 'adjustment process' is what just occurred that made me start writing this. I was talking to a friend on ICQ, and she's been having some problems with her teenage children. In response to her problems, I wrote the following:

all I really can suggest is that you hang in there.
I know it's hard... I was a hard child to manage... and they may end up hating you or you ending up hating them... but they need their mother
and I think that if you give them all you can give and continue hanging in there, they aren't going to hate you
they're just going through a difficult time right now, and this really is when they need you there for them
separate yourself from yourself and try to see life through their eyes, no matter how hard you find it

Suddenly I realised something! After I wrote and sent that message to her - and then read what I sent - I realised that I've changed! Before tonight, I just would not have known what to say to a mother about her children. If anything, I would have either ignored it or told her to concentrate on her own happiness, and she'd then help cause the happiness of those around her. But tonight I didn't say that.

Instead, I said that she needs to be there for her children. I said that they are more important than what she's going through right now. I said that is the responsibility she has as a mother. I said that I see children differently now - I see them as being important and needing love, regardless of their actions.

I realised I see children differently now - I am relating more to the idea of being a parent! I'm beginning to feel that it's ok to have kids, and to raise them with the love and understanding that I never had. In fact, as I write this, I am also seeing an opportunity to right the wrongs of my own past. Is that a good enough reason to have kids? I don't know. I know that I've got a lot more issues to work out, and I also know that I'm beginning to believe Michelle will be the one who'll stick around long enough to help me work them out. I have to thank Scot's girlfriend for helping as well - she's the one who brought this to a head, and it's continued positively from there. (I'll be sending this to her via email to Scot.) Miss X played a part as well, allowing me to see her fully appreciate her time with her kids.

These past few days have certainly been an eye-opener. Again... stay tuned for more opening eyes.

One of my 'many fans' asked me tonight on ICQ why I hadn't updated the journal for a while. I told them that even though a few things had happened, it was because I hadn't had much to say. However, I guess that's not entirely true. The main reason I hadn't written about it in here is because I hadn't been much in the mood for writing. The creative aspect of my writing isn't something I can whip up every night, no matter how hard I try. Life is generally dull and boring - not just for me, but for most people - and it's often quite a challenge to find something interesting in your life and describe it in ways that will have people coming back for more. I like to think that I have an easier job than most, because my life is quite often more exciting than most people's... but it could just be in the way I describe it...

This time last week, my friend of 23 years, Dan, was down from Brisbane, wanting to catch up with me before I went over to New Zealand. He's been mentioned before in this journal, on quite a few occasions, back when he was living here in Canberra. He got here last Thursday and left Saturday afternoon. On Friday evening, quite a few elements from my past all came together in one spot. What an incredible night THAT was! As I look back on it now, in an attempt to decide how to write about it, it seems more and more incredible that all these important people to me, all came together. Let the story be unveiled...

CAST:
Myself, Dan, Miss X, and Missy and her new boyfriend, Mr J.

Missy was coming to Canberra on this Friday, to show it to her new boyfriend (Mr J) from America. We had arranged to have dinner that night. With Dan being in town, naturally he was coming, and Missy was looking forward to meeting this man who she was once going to meet as well (we'd planned to go up to Brisbane to see him when he returned from East Timor, but by the time that happened, Missy and I had broken up).

Now, Dan and I had a coffee with Miss X on Friday afternoon. I like having the special people in my life meet the other special people in my life, so it was nice to have Miss X and Dan having coffee with me. That's when the surprises for me started... Miss X had already been invited by me to the dinner that night, but she declined (background history on this coming shortly - just keep reading!). During the coffee, however, she twice suggested as a joke that her and Dan go off and do their own thing while I went to the dinner with Missy and Mr J (using aliases like this is quite amusing...). She also decided that she would actually accept my invitation to dinner. I felt quite strongly that this was because she was attracted to Dan... He and I discussed it once she'd left after the coffee, and he expressed his disappointment at the possibility that she might be walking down that path just to hurt me in some way. I didn't think that was possible though, because I felt that Miss X just wasn't like that...

Later on, we all met at a bar before where the plan was we'd all have a drink and then head off to the restaurant together. Unfortunately, it didn't work that way. After introductions were made and we all chatted and had a couple of drinks, Dan bumped into an old army buddy there and decided that he'd like to stay and catch up, rather than go to dinner with the rest of us. Miss X immediately stated that of course she'd have to stay with Dan. I spat the dummy (inside my head) and said OK and immediately walked out, waiting for Missy and Mr J to join me outside. The three of us went to the restaurant, with me fuming at the actions of Miss X. She knew that Dan had a girlfriend back in Brisbane... and he was my best friend of 23 years. How could she do this? So anyway, I tried to enjoy the dinner, and did indeed have a good time.

It was great to catch up with Missy, and while I initially had some anxiety about how I'd feel seeing her with another man, I quickly felt that I had no internal emotional problems or hang-ups. It was nice to see her so happy with this guy, and I wish both of them all the very best.

After dinner we went back to the bar and had a few more drinks. I could see the body language between Dan and Miss X was annoying the hell outta me... for reasons that probably don't need to be explained in here. Basically, Miss X's actions and attitude were completely unlike her, and I could only think she was trying her best to hurt me, because she was doing this with my best friend!

At this point, let me go off on a tangent to give you some background history, as I promised above.

As you all know, I had decided that I was in love with Miss X (click here for that entry), but decided to go with Michelle instead, because I had fallen in love with her as well, and with Michelle I'd have a relationship and a happy future; with Miss X I'd still be waiting for her to sort out her problems and maybe end up deciding to go with some other man. I've been there, done that, hated it, never want to do it again. Now, once I'd made this decision about Michelle, I then opened up to Miss X about what was happening and my feelings for her, and my disappointment that nothing had happened between us, but now I was moving on, and I still wanted her friendship. Within a week or two of that, Miss X then decided that she loved me, and told me. I asked her why she couldn't have realised this when I was single (!!) and her reply was that she can't control her feelings. I felt that it was a knee-jerk reaction to feelings of being deserted in some way - that she didn't have my full attention anymore. She's insecure and lonely, and I was a crutch for her. Knowing that I was in love with someone else and that she wouldn't be getting all my support and attention must've hurt her a lot. Now, back to the story...

I felt that her actions with Dan were based on subconscious feelings of betrayal and revenge... she wanted to hurt me for deserting her. I understood that, but I was so hurt by it as well. I was the one feeling betrayed by what she was doing!

Anyway, Dan came over to me and told me he couldn't do it. I was confused, and questioned him about what he couldn't do (he was drunk, you see...). He said he couldn't sleep with her, even though she wanted him to - but he knew how I felt about her. Right! I was pissed off even more! That's when the shit hit the fan, and I was doing the throwing! LOL I wanted to leave, and I told Dan he could stay if he wanted, but he said he was down here to see me, not sleep with other women. He also asked me why I was running away, was I scared of Miss X? I told him that I wasn't scared of her, and I wasn't running away, as such. I just knew that I didn't want to be there anymore, otherwise I'd say things I would regret later. I went back inside to say goodbye to her, and she knew something was up by the fact that she'd been in deep conversation with Dan, and now we were both leaving - just like that. She questioned me and I told her what he'd told me. We had a brief argument, and she said she only wanted to be friends, and she wanted to talk to Dan. I just looked at her, and she then asked if he wanted to talk to her? I shook my head no. She looked at me in surprise and I said goodbye and walked out, and Dan and I went home.

I was quite emotional about the entire incident... I was sad and extremely pissed off.

As I drove home, Dan and I discussed my trip to New Zealand. He was happy that I was only going over there for a holiday. I said, no, I'm moving over there. He went into denial, saying that it was only a holiday and I'd be coming back. I said I won't be coming back. That's when he started getting emotional (what with being drunk and all...) and through his tears he told me that he couldn't believe that I was leaving the country. I'd always been there for him, for this past 23 years. Every time he needed me, I was there. Now I was leaving the country, and he was afraid that he'd never see me again. He was afraid of losing his best friend. Nothing I could say would convince him otherwise.

We went inside my flat and he called his girlfriend in Brisbane and talked to her for a little while. As he did that, I wrote a couple of emails to Scot and to Michelle, expressing my frustrations and sadness about the evening. When he finished his phone call, we talked some more, then I felt like sharing with him what I'd written. I read out the emails to him, and as I did, I broke down and cried. It was hard to control myself, with the sadness I was feeling and sharing with Dan. We were crying together, as I was trying to read out the emails, which were expressing my fears, my sadnesses, and my hopes and dreams for the future. It was great to share that with him.

I remembered back to March 1985. Dan and my friends in Port Augusta (South Australia) gave me a farewell party, a few nights before I moved away from that place I grew up in. I cried back then because I was going to miss them all. Dan was the strong one then - I cried and he tried reassuring me. Last week, I was the strong one - he cried, and I tried reassuring him. Then we cried together.

On Saturday I saw him off at the airport. I cried then too. I hoped no-one saw my tears as I watched him walk up those stairs into the airplane. I quickly left then.

On Sunday night, Miss X and I saw each other - she wanted to clear the air between us. I let her. It was all apparently a big misunderstanding on everyone's part. Apparently. I let it go. Her and I are still friends, and I'm happy with that. What's the point in disliking her? No point whatsoever. Dan's not here, and I'm leaving for New Zealand soon. Nothing she's going to do will affect Dan or me like that anymore. Obviously I'd changed towards her though... and I was sad about that. I still loved her, but it was different - I saw a side to her I hadn't seen before.

Occasionally I ask myself... How can I love two women at the same time? I'm so full of good questions... One woman I love, knowing I'll never get anything similar in return. Unrequited love is the pits. The other woman I love, knowing that my future is with her - and that's where I'm going. How can I 'love' a woman who doesn't love me? But she does. She's just not ready to go anywhere with it, and that's why she's lost me. But it's worked out well... I've gained Michelle from it all. Hey, if Michelle never came along, I'd still be sitting here in limbo, wondering what to do with everything...

And now we go to the next part of today's entry. Where I'm NOT wondering what to do with everything...!

I was originally going to go to NZ for a holiday, for 1-2 weeks. If I didn't like it, then Michelle would move here to Canberra. However, after lots of discussions, I changed that idea. Michelle's bond with Wellington is far greater than my bond with Canberra, so it made a lot more sense to me to just move over there. I knew I'd be happy with her, and I knew I wouldn't hate Wellington. So the holiday was extended to 4 weeks. I'd go over there and establish my new life there, and then return here for a week or so, in order to finalise everything here. However, more signs have been added by the angels to the vast repertoire of signs... all pointing out those things which were best for me. My support base here in Canberra was showing signs of being unavailable to me if I went over for 4 weeks. I had no guarantees that I could continue paying the rent on this place while I was gone.

So I decided - in the past few days - to burn my bridges behind me.

I'm going to New Zealand on the 14th of June - that's only 19 days from now!! 19 days. I've given my landlord notice. I've got the ticket - and it's a one-way ticket. I'm about to organise the giving away of most of my stuff with friends (just in case I ever need it again in the next 12 months), and I'm taking the rest of it with me to New Zealand. I'm taking my computer (naturally!), the tv and vcr, books, music, videos and treasured personal items. None of my furniture is going. I'm going to start a completely new life in NZ.

The past week or more has been quite difficult. It's become obvious to both Michelle and I that we are absolutely committed to each other, without a doubt. The difficulty has been in dealing with her work. She's undergoing slave-labour type of treatment which has been stressing her considerably. This has put a strain on our long-distant communication. I've always been there for her as she's needed me, but it's been bloody hard for me. Now that the stress on her has eased yesterday, she's started to realise how I must've been feeling about her distance and her depressions, and now she's really starting to be there for me. It's this give and take between the two of us which makes everything feel so right. In the depths of the darkest moments, there is still light between us, shining the way and ensuring we stay with each other. We light each other's paths, showing the way for us to follow.

It's wonderful. I can't describe it any more than that. I feel that the relationship her and I will share will be the most wonderful experiences of our lives. We are spiritual, we are both communicators, and we both love each other, and we are both committed to each other. Each of us is what the other has been looking for, for so long. I love her.