The weekend just gone has been real shitty. Literally. The plumbing broke on Friday night, and sewerage leaked from outside into the downstairs room - which is where I sleep and have the computer. It's also the only room with carpet... So we called the landlord after I saw the carpets getting wet against the walls. An emergency plumber was called out to fix it, and he was here until midnight. Then the landlord was here on Saturday to clean the carpets. (But it still stinks.) And then some more plumbers were out yesterday to finish it all up. But then the cats decided to develop diarrhea all over the carpets that had been cleaned, and I had to clean that up three bloody times before I just put them outside and vowed never to let them back in again!! So I had a real smelly, shitty weekend.... it sucked badly! LOL I'm really hoping next weekend will be soooo much better. And to top it off, I took the opportunity to see how much my car would be worth for the car yards to buy. Looks like I'm selling it privately, 'cause the offers that I had from the car yards just made me want to get a heavy machine gun out of a jacket pocket and go postal on their arses. According to my research, my car retails at around $18,000 (NZ Dollars). All the car yards I went to on Saturday were consistent in their variety. They put the retail value at anywhere between $10,000 to $15,000 if I was lucky, so they wanted to buy it from me at around $7,000 to $10,000. I had to look at my reflection in a car window, just to see if I'd accidentally drawn 'IDIOT' on my forehead. But no, it wasn't there, so it must've been them who were idiots!!! So it looks like I'm selling it privately. Maybe I should use the money to buy that machine gun... Anyway, enough of that.

What do you do when you realise that you're 'dazed and confused'?

That's what I'm trying to work out now. Last night I made a realisation about myself. I realised that even though I was telling myself that I wasn't looking at meeting a new woman right now, I actually was. And then when I had women approaching me, I was rejecting them... I was trying to work out why, and I realised that even though I secretly desired a relationship and the excitement of meeting someone new, I was actually afraid of what it might mean for me. I believe I still haven't gotten over the most stressful period of my life just a few months ago, and was instead just avoiding those issues when I met Venus (which is probably a big reason why it didn't work out between us). Once I realised how 'screwed up' I was, I decided to cease being part of this dating website that I was heavily into, and I took my profile off. I felt it was better for me to keep away from that, so that I can start focusing on me again, and doing whatever I have to in order to allow the healing to begin. I've got to focus on me, rather than on trying to not be single again, and I've got to find that inner strength again.

There's so many different thoughts and feelings going through my head right now, it's difficult to bring anything together clearly and work out what it is. I've really got to start meditating again....

I had a good conversation with a friend (we'll call her Susie) on ICQ last night. We talked about the perception that others may have of me, particularly thinking I'm arrogant. It was pointed out to me last night by Venus that some people that we met on Saturday night (at a singles website get-together) felt that I was arrogant, and I was discussing that with Susie. The ones who thought I was arrogant were probably on the receiving end of an attitude that said "I'm not attracted to you, and I'm only here at this dating site meeting 'cause I succumbed to peer group pressure and the allure of a shouted beer or three, so please don't talk to me". Apparently my body language and attitude was completely different when I was chatting to an attractive woman there. Well, hello!!! Wake up and smell the roses, ladies. It's a type of arrogance that I'm quite happy to continue, 'cause I know what I want in this world, and having women come onto me who I'm not attracted to is one of those things I don't want.

Now, to be honest with you, I also know that I have defensive attitudes which can be taken as arrogance, and that's something I have to work on. But letting women think that I'm interested in them when I'm not, just because they've got fragile egos and other insecurities, is not something that I'll work on.

I also talked with Susie about her and her little boy. Something new came up in the conversation. New for me, at least. Part of the conversation we had reminded me of my involvement with Estera many years ago, and having a role in the development of her two boys for nearly two years - Michael in particular. I was in his life when he was less than a year old. When he was 4, I lived with Estera and her hubby Trevor (who was also my friend) as a flatmate and babysat him often. When he was 8, Estera (who had left Trevor a year before) moved in with me, and I had that parental role in Michael's life, as well as his 4 yo brother's life. I taught him about spirit guides, and not to be afraid of all things spiritual, and had a great time teaching my beliefs, playing games with him and his brother, and introducing him to roleplaying games when he was 9 or 10. Then Estera and I split up, and when he was 12 or 13 (I think) he went to Adelaide to live with his dad. I didn't see him until last year, (when I went to Canberra for Estera's wedding in September) and he was 15 or 16. I didn't recognise him, and when it was pointed out to me who he was, I was completely blown away. I've never been as blown away by anything as I was with that. He'd changed so much! Grown up into a teenager.

I had a bit of a cry as I was remembering and describing my feelings about it to Susie. I was a little emotional at all that I'd been part of and especially all that I'd missed out on, in relation to being in his life and him being in mine. It made me realise that having my own child/ren is something I'd enjoy with the right woman. And that's what was new, realising that having my own kids is something that I really could look forward to. I feel pretty good about that...