I've decided to talk about The Matrix, as the first part of yet another attempt to write more updates in my journal about what's on my mind.

The Matrix is a movie that's had a real effect in my life, and until it came along, I couldn't relate to why there were so many 'weirdos' hung up over Rocky Horror Picture Show. The Matrix blew me away so much that I saw it twice on its opening day, and ended up seeing it a total of 7 times at the cinema. What was it about this movie that affected me so much, and still does?

It appeals to me on so many different levels. It's a sci-fi action movie, and I love those kinds of movies (as long as they're good ones!). It's about cyberpunk, my favourite genre. It's about the illusion of reality which is in line with my favourite subject in the entire world, and it's a very spiritual movie as well. The spirituality is apparent in so many scenes... I see it as showing us that the world is an illusion, and that we have the ability to overcome the limitations that we believe we have. These limitations are presented to us by social expectations, but we don't have to follow those expectations that we are born into. We can find the strength and belief inside of ourselves, and raise ourselves above those limitations. Neo is the representation of ourselves, the 'average person' who we consider to be 'nobody'. At one point he says, "Why is this happening to me? I'm nobody!" but he ends up destined to be the saviour of humanity. It's a positive message to the rest of us who see ourselves as 'nobody'. This 'nobody' learns how to survive in the programmed reality of the Matrix and eventually how to manipulate that reality. It doesn't have to be conscious, but if the movie of Neo's adventures even subconsciously inspires us to look beyond our own horizons and have a positive influence on our lives, then it's served a major spiritual purpose. I'm into positive personal development and also aspects of Buddhism, and there's so much of The Matrix that just resonates inside of me. It inspires me to learn more about my spiritual beliefs, practice what I learn, and question everything.

Other spiritual quotes from the movie:

• Morpheus: Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?
  
  
• Mouse: To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human.
  
  
• Morpheus: You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind.
  
  
• Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
  Neo: What truth?
  Spoon boy: There is no spoon.
  Neo: There is no spoon?
  Spoon boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.
  
  
• Morpheus: I'm trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it.
  
  
• Morpheus: There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path

Healing is what I've been doing. The past few months have been quite interesting, particularly in the past few weeks. Since splitting up with Venus 3 months ago, I've been taking time out for myself, going through a lot of those issues that have really needed to be dealt with. This has involved talking to my friends, reading Mars & Venus Starting Over, and thinking a lot about myself and my past relationships.

When Venus and I split up, I had to work out why it didn't work, and I discovered that it didn't work because I hadn't dealt with the issues I had from the separation with Michelle. Then I discovered that the relationship with Michelle didn't work because I hadn't dealt with the issues I still had from the separation with Missy, back in January 2000. I hadn't fully gone through the grieving process associated with losing her before I got involved with Michelle. I should have waited and sorted myself out, and then things would have been a lot healthier in my next relationship, whether it was with Michelle or someone else.

So now I'm taking the time to heal what I should have healed one and a half years ago.

It's been really quite refreshing to not be interested in meeting any women for the purpose of a relationship, which is the only reason I used to meet them in the past. This past few months has been about establishing a relationship with myself, instead of looking for it elsewhere. I know there's still a lot of work to be done on this new relationship I'm building with the me that I've been ignoring or suppressing, but it's really an exciting part of my life right now.

Along with America and the rest of the world, I'm in shock, and have been for the entire day. What a sad and horrifying day this been...

Terrorists have co-ordinated the hijacking of 4 planes and have destroyed the World Trade Centre in New York, along with a plane impacting into the Pentagon. Another plane was possibly aimed at Camp David, but crashed before it reached there. Thousands of people dead.

I've never been as shocked about something as I have been about this. It's like a heavy feeling in my stomach, and I've been in a dazed mood all day.

My condolences and sympathy to the people over there in New York and Washington.