It must be hard to know that your son died in combat. It must be even harder to have it represented in a movie, with some actor playing out the death of your son. How would you deal with it? Would you see the movie, or stay away from it?

I've been reading about 'Black Hawk Down' over the past couple of days, which is an up-coming movie. Reading about the events, the facts, the politics and the political incompetence that resulted in the debacle in Mogadishu, Somalia, October 3rd 1993. It included a lot of the comments from family members about their sons who were killed in action. None of the material that I've read though, has any bearing on the soon to be released movie (obviously because the material was written up way before the movie was thought about).

I can imagine the feelings of those who were involved in the D-Day invasion as represented in Saving Private Ryan. I can imagine the feelings of soldiers who were there... they saw it, they felt it, and they remember it. But what about the families, who don't know anything about the reality of what their loved ones experienced? This upcoming movie is based entirely on fact, based on people who fought and died only 8 years ago. With the modern special effects, IF family members see it, they'll see the horror of combat, and witness the factual representation of HOW their loved ones died.

I would see it. If only to understand more about the loss of my loved one, to further help with the releasing of my grief. What about the rest of you?



3 November

I made the decision today to not worry about aliases any more, when I mention people in this journal. There's enough people out there who share the same first name, that by using just that, it won't give away who the person is in case they're wanting to remain anonymous.

In the past, I've spoken about MissX, who shall be now known by her name of Amanda. She phoned me today, all the way from Brisbane, Australia. I haven't spoken to her for a long time, and today has been the first time she has phoned me ever since I moved here to New Zealand. It was quite a surprise. She rang because she's going through a bit of a crisis right now, where she's not sure what to do with her life. She remembered how helpful I've been to her in the past, with talking to her about who she is and what she should be doing in her life, and so she decided to call me to talk. It was a nice conversation, and she made this interesting observation about me. Apparently I'm the only man in her life - ever - who has ever treated her with complete honesty, and never demeaned her or tried to use her for anything. That was a nice thing to say... so I continued with my perceived honesty and told her at that point how much she hurt me when I was in Brisbane in March.

I just went to look back through my old entries and discovered that I never wrote about my holiday over there! My God! I wrote before I went, but didn't even touch upon it after I got back! What was I thinking?! Here's a quick description...

It was hot - damn hot! Seeing Dan was absolutely fantastic. We drank beer, and had dinner out. We went to Movie World on the Gold Coast. I saw Batman and Catgirl, went to the Police Academy and laughed my arse off, and crapped my pants on the Lethal Weapon ride! (Well, figuratively speaking, of course...) I tried to see Amanda while I was there, but she was too busy. Then I tried to organise something on the last day of my time there, but she wasn't up to driving an hour to see me. I decided I wasn't up to driving an hour to see her, if she couldn't do the same considering I had come all the way over from New Zealand. I saw Sandy, and it was great to catch up with her. I said goodbye to Dan and Sandy at the airport, and had a huge lump in my throat as Dan disappeared from my view as I went down the escalator to where I needed to board the plane back to New Zealand.

So that's the short description of my Brisbane holiday in March 2001, and what was upsetting about Amanda. I told her that today, and she apologised. The last time I saw Amanda was in Canberra in January, when I was there on my way back from England. I hope to see her again some time before I die of old age...

I hope Amanda gained some happiness from our conversation today. I helped her realise that she's been going through her life doing things that other people think would be good for her. I tried to empower her to find her own answers, rather than constantly look for them from other people. I like empowering people to find the answers themselves, but apparently it makes me 'wise and amazing'. All that tells me is that most 'unwise' people try to tell others what to do, or allow themselves to be told what to do. I know that's essentially true, and it's a good feeling to know that I'm not like most other people... As I grow, I hope to help others grow. This will be the meaning of my life.

November 29th will be my birthday. It will also be the three-year anniversary of this Journal. I'm going to have to make sure I keep a detailed account of that day, as I'll be in Canberra with my friends. I'm misty-eyed... I miss them all so much. This is going to be an awesome experience for me, being with them all again. I need it. It keeps me going as I live over here in another country, away from my home. It refreshes everything about me, and ensures that I know what I will eventually be returning to in the near future, when I move back there permanently.

I'm starting to seriously look for somewhere else to stay today. A few weeks ago, Kylie decided that she wanted to move back to where she came from, and so I wasn't going to stay here by myself, or get others in - as I don't have enough furniture of my own to fill a house - so I'm moving out as well. The deadline was 16th December, and this was pointed out to our landlord as well. He found some new tenants to take over the lease from that point on, so everything's worked out well. Now I just have to find somewhere to live by then. I don't think I'll have a problem, but I'm going to be picky about where I stay and who I stay with. It won't be under emergency conditions either, as Vicki has offered her spare room in case I need it, so that gives me a bit more flexibility and reduces panic mode as time runs out. There's been a few places this morning that I phoned up about, but most of them involve living with half a dozen guys or whatever... that's just not my scene. Preferably, I'm looking at sharing with one or two others, with me having a large bedroom to fit my bed and computer in, and the one responsible for the house needs to be flexible on me installing another phone line for my internet usage.

I've got two mailing groups for single people, that I set up back in June this year. One is for single in Canberra, the other is for singles in NZ. The latter reached 30 subscribers today, while the Canberra one is only on 22. In both groups, conversation is quite limited. The Canberra subscribers seem to talk a little bit more than the NZ ones, but only marginally. Hopefully I can get some conversations happening soon...

I'm planning on going for a drive up the coast today with Vicki, and take some photos of the coast from a great lookout. I really do have to update my Images section with photos... it's been a long time since I've done some updating, but there's plenty of photos to update it with. That'll happen soon, I promise. But it might not be until after I move, when things are settled again.

My agenda for my holiday back in Australia has been finalised, to an extent.

26 November - flying to Sydney at 4:20pm.
28 November - flying to Canberra at 3:55pm, arriving at 4:45pm. In Canberra for 6 days.
3rd December - flying to Melbourne at 6:50pm.
4th December - flying to Wellington at 9:10am.

I'll have to take lots of photos, and write down my adventures in a notebook, so that I can update this journal with it when I get back.

Over the past week, I've been re-reading this journal, and I've gained some fascinating insights. It's coming up to the 3-year anniversary for this journal, and its seen some significant changes over those years. Changes in the formatting of the website and the layout, and changes in my life and what's important to me. Here's a rundown of those changes, as the years and months have gone by.

November 1998. The journal begins. I was lonely and needy for the company of women. I went out on a lot of dates, and got excited about every woman who gave me some attention. I also got crushed after being dumped after only one date - sometimes without even going on any date at all!

June 1999. After 5 years without a girlfriend, I found myself in a relationship with Darlene. The drought had broken! This was a very happy and creative time for me, being in an exciting and magical 'love story'.

January 2000. The magic had gone, and I was alone again. Sad and grieving, I ended up looking outside of myself at those around me and gained solace in the attention of others again.

April 2000. Michelle entered my life and I began walking down a path I could never have imagined, where I'd end up leaving the country I loved and living in another (New Zealand).

June 2000. I stepped boldly out on that new path, unsure and a little afraid, but never hesitant. I moved to NZ and began a new life away from my country and my friends. I was excited about the changes, and about this new woman in my life.

July 2000. I got the best job of my entire life, working for an IT support organisation (Computerland) that looked after corporate clients.

November 2000. The relationship with Michelle had ended, and there was a time of grieving. But not enough time. I tried to be friends with this woman who had meant so much to me, but who I discovered I couldn't live with.

January 2001. Came back from England where I'd gone for a holiday with Michelle. Spent the next two months trying to deal with more stress than I'd ever experienced, as Michelle spent all her energy trying to get me to come back to her. She eventually moved back to England in April.

April 2001. Thinking that I had dealt with my relationship issues, I involved myself in another relationship with Kylie.

June 2001. The relationship with Kylie ended, forcing me to reconsider my thoughts on what I'd actually dealt with in the past.

November 2001. After 5 months of choosing to be alone and doing extensive soul-searching, I am in a place of stability and contentment. Seeing and understanding the part I had in the downfall of my past relationships has been enlightening. I was also able to see those areas that I hadn't dealt with in the past, which were the subsequent cause of further relationship problems. Now there isn't a sense of frantic activity about me anymore, inside my mind and in what I radiate. I'm not hung up on the need to have the attention or love of a woman, and I can actually be friends with those women in my life, rather than hope for something more.

The changes that I've seen in myself - in this website - has been going from need and attachment, to stability and even detachment (in terms of not being attached to the idea of being with a woman). I feel more relaxed and in control of myself and my destiny. I feel more capable. It's just awesome!