Yesterday was eventful.

I'm sure you want to know why...

1) Wakana rang me in the morning and said she was leaving Wellington at the end of April, going to Christchurch with her boyfriend

2) we had lunch, and I expressed how much I was going to miss her, and that I just didn't understand how she could be in love with me and yet still go with this other guy who she didn't love. So she then explained to me something that she didn't want to tell me. Her reasons she has to go with him was because a) he helped her when she was feeling sad about me leaving her last year, so she feels obligated to be with him in return, and B) he told her that if she ever left him he'd just have to kill himself.

3) at that point I just gave up on having any respect for her and wanting her in my life

4) she wanted to meet me after work and have sex, which she's been wanting for weeks now, so yesterday I agreed. Up until yesterday I refused, telling her that she'll 'get it' when she's actually with me, and not with anyone else. But now it's obvious that's not going to happen. She's not going to come back to me, so I may as well enjoy myself...

And that's the story of yesterday.

It's taken me 24 hours to realise that I really have lost respect for her. She acts out of a sense of obligation and fear (that he might kill himself), instead of acting on her feelings of love for me. If she can't find the strength and respect to leave this manipulating loser, then she doesn't deserve my love.

I think right now I'm more disappointed and angry than anything. Maybe later the sadness will come.

Categories: Wakana, Relationships

Yeh, I know... it's been 11 days since my last entry. In the old journal, it was usual to have only one entry a month, but this new journal is very different.

However, the reason I've been silent is because of the sadness and confusion I've been feeling about Wakana. I didn't know what to talk about. Some of my 'fans' Cheesy have had individual conversations with me, so you're up to date with what's going on. But for the rest of you, here goes...

I've seen her a few times since my last entry. It's mostly been just getting together for a couple of hours at a time, but on Wednesday last week (it's Monday today), we spent over half the day together. She wanted to do something that was just like what we used to do when we were together.

I found out that if I had've left her last year for another woman, then she would have forgiven me in a flash and come back to me today. But because I left her due to what I felt was a communication problem, that was her most sensitive issue. It's something she feels is a barrier to us being together now and in the future.

The lack of respect I had for her 11 days ago has changed over that time to one of just sadness at the restrictive attitutdes that she creates for herself, or allows him to create for her. The lack of respect was me applying western attitudes to something that she approaches from a completely different point of view.

So I guess it changed because I understood I can't judge her based on my values. I can only be sad that the way she applies her values is very restrictive to her own happiness and freedom.

Because Wakana is leaving my life, I'm moving on in regards to dating. However, I've decided that I really do want an asian girlfriend/partner. With everything I've learned about asian women and their attitudes, in relation to my past experiences with western women and the asian women that have been in my life, I've realised that western women don't have the same commitment towards commitment in a relationship as asian women do.

And I'm getting really tired of the casual attitude towards relationships that western women generally have (I know not all of them are like that). I think this has been brought about by my experiences with Nicola, which was the culmination of a number of bad experiences in my life.

So now I'm looking for someone who will respect what it means to be with someone you love and to support each other through thick or thin. Asian women - who I've already been attracted to anyway - seem to understand what that means most of all.

Categories: Wakana, Relationships, Life

My apologies for getting this to you later than I said I would. I didn't get home from the concert until after 1am this morning, and I was just too knackered to write about anything, so I just crashed and fell fast asleep. Today I was relaxing around Auckland - I took a few photos from the Sky Tower and other locations around the city. (I'll put them onto the photo page later. They include photos from yesterday and today.) Right now I'm at the airport waiting to catch a flight back to Wellington, so I'm taking the opportunity to write about the concert.

On 3 occasions last night, I was 10 feet from 'the Boss'. How do I describe the feeling? For 18 years, I've been listening to his music, reading articles about his life, his feelings, and the reasons for his music. I've been watching video clips, and wondering what it would be like to see him live. The wondering is over, and the reality is that it's soooo much better than seeing video clips! (Duh!)

It was pouring down with rain all day yesterday, and most of last night. It started to dry up around 9pm, an hour after the concert started. I was exceptionally happy that I brought my super-duper 'dryzabone' raincoat that farmers wear a lot over here. I got to the concert at around 5pm, and was standing there in the VERY heavy and unremitting rain until it stopped at 9pm. While many others (who had come unprepared) were literally soaked through and shivering, I was dry and comfortable and very happy for it!

His very first song was an acoustic version of Born In The USA - because of Gulf War II, I'd imagine - and he followed that with a cover of a Credence Clearwater Revival song, "Who'll Stop The Rain", a song especially for the rain in Auckland - naturally the crowd went wild. He followed that with "No Retreat, No Surrender", one of my favourites.

I was surprised that "The Rising" was the 4th song they did, because it's The Rising Tour, and every other concert has opened with that song, I believe. Auckland was different, I think in part because of the war, and also because of the rain.

I can't remember the order he played the songs (update: song list is below), but it was a mixed set, with songs going back to Born To Run (1976), through to the latest The Rising album. It was just under 3 hours, and was literally non-stop.

The only times there were pauses were when he finished, but then came back for an encore of more songs (encores below are after the ---------). Then they finished again, but did another final encore which ended with Glory Days and Dancing In The Dark - both fantastic songs to end the concert.

During that time, there were 3 occasions when he came down onto the lower platform of the stage, which ran along the entire front row. I was leaning on the rail surrounding the 'mosh pit', and I was right up the front about 3 people away from the stage. So on those occasions when he 'played to the front row', I was only 10 feet away from him.

At the time I was just enjoying the music and his performance, but thinking back on it now, it's like... I was THIS close to the greatest rock musician in the world, who's 53 now, been playing for over 30 years, and is STILL going amazingly strong. I was watching a legend, and now my life is complete. *grin*

5pm update...

Well, it looks like Wellington airport is closed due to bad weather, and my 5:30pm flight is now tentatively rescheduled to 8 or 9pm, when they're hoping the weather will begin to clear. However, they warn that the possibility exists that there might not be any flights tonight. Great... just great...

10:30pm update...

They tried a flight at 7pm, to see if it would make it to a landing in Wellington, and thankfully, it did, arriving safely and even without any turbulence. For the first time ever, there was no turbulence as we came into Wellington. No wind, and it was warm. The fog had lifted somewhat when we arrived, which is why they were able to successfully land. The airport had been closed for about 4 hours.

I've been spending the past couple of hours chatting with some friends online, relating my excitement about last night, and finding what people talked about on various discussion groups. It's been fun, almost like a 'debriefing', or a 'coming back to earth'.

List of songs played last night:

Born In The USA
Who'll Stop The Rain
No Retreat, No Surrender
The Rising
Lonesome Day
Darlington County
Empty Sky
You're Missing
Waiting On A Sunny day
Promised Land
Worlds Apart
Badlands
Out In The Streets
Mary's Place
My Hometown
Into the Fire
Thunder Road
------------
Bobby Jean
Ramrod
Born to Run
------------
My City of Ruins
Land of Hope and Dreams
Glory Days
Dancing in the Dark

Categories: Fun

Wakana... You know, never before in my life have I ever had the opportunity to get back together with an ex, but now it seems I do. It hasn't happened yet, but things are looking good for us to get back together.

I've come to realise as time has gone by, and I've spent more time with her this past month, that I had to leave her last year for me to realise how much I actually wanted to be with her. I've also learnt that my expectations and ideas about love and what that means are overrated. Everything about being with her was great, but I wasn't ready for what she offered me. I didn't appreciate it, and thought I wasn't getting enough for my needs. It's only without it and being reminded of it by being with her recently that I've come to realise I want it again.

I don't know if we'll get back together, but she wants to see me more now that I've explained how I feel, and why I feel this way. I know it's hard for her to trust me, considering I was the one that left her. I'm sure she's thinking I could do it again! I know that for her to trust me enough to try it again (if she chooses that path) is an enormous responsibility for me, and not something I'd treat lightly.

I was noncommital the first time around, but the second time around will be very different. I wasn't ready to live with her a year ago when we were together, but I know that now I am. We know each other, what we're like and what we can expect.

I feel positive about this. I've thought about it long and hard, and talked to a few of my friends about this. As I said, I've never had the opportunity to get back with an ex (in a healthy manner), so I've been trying to work out if it's something I should try or not.

The most widely used comment is 'there was a reason you left her'. Yes, there was. I left her because I thought that deep and meaningful communication was the most important thing to me. I wasn't able to get that from her due to language challenges, but in the time since I left her, I've realised that's the part that's overrated.

If you love someone and enjoy their company and they make you laugh and challenge you in various ways and make you happy (and vice versa), then that's all that you need for a happy, loving relationship. That and hard work, of course, to keep it going. But I was stupid in thinking I wanted so much more.

It's only when you lose something that you realise how much it meant to you. So now I'm being given the opportunity to get it back, and I like the direction this is going.

Phew! This was a long entry, but Wakana is something that's important right now, and I'm feeling very happy about the way this complex situation is turning out.

Categories: Relationships