Have you ever noticed that things can be going along nice and smoothly for a while, and then suddenly something happens that just throws you off?

That happened to me last week.

Wakana has been gone for over a month now. She said she'd contact me when she gets back from Japan at the end of April. As the end of April approached, I was looking forward to hearing from her again, and I was thinking about her a little more as a result. I was feeling those feelings of loss all over again.

And then I heard this song on the radio...

If You're Not The One
by Daniel Bedingfield

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am

...and I sort of lost it. It was the words that seemed to explain exactly how I feel about her.

It's made me realise that I was holding onto those feelings, hoping that things would happen while she was gone that would cause the relationship with her 'evil' boyfriend to fall apart, and that she'd turn up on my doorstep, ready to come back to me. I was hoping that she would come back to me.

But it's now a week past the date she was to return, and she hasn't contacted me. It's probably quite likely that she's accepted the fact that she's moving away from me (down to the sth island) and has moved on as well. She probably doesn't want to get in touch with me for that reason.

I use 'probably' because I can't think of anything else that would prevent her from contacting me - apart from those things you just don't want to think about, of course. And I believed her when she said she loved me, but she was staying with him so he doesn't kill himself.

I find it horribly sad that two people can be so much in love with each other, but through the circumstances of their individual lives, they can't be together.

I never thought I would be in that situation.

Before she left, she told me to read "Bridges In Madison County", so I could understand her situation better. I'm still only half way through it, having bought it in Auckland when I was up there at the end of March. It's almost like... I don't want to understand her situation (in that respect). I just want her to come back to me.

But I have to move on. I'll finish reading that book, and think about her, her feelings, the pain she must be going through herself, and I'll try to understand why we're not together.

She was still the best thing that ever happened to me in my life, and I never saw it until I had 'thrown it away', and then it was too late to get it back, too late to get her back.

Why was she the best thing in my life? She accepted who I was, and she loved me regardless. She was beautiful, she was tender, she was respectful of me, she was excited by what I could do for her, and she made me feel as if I was everything she needed in her life.

It's the only time in my life that I've ever done something as stupid as that. She was everything I had been looking for - it's just that I thought I was looking for something else.

I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. Nor am I sure I'll ever get over her. I'll try, of course, and I'll meet new women and have other adventures and experiences, but always, there'll be that place in my heart for Wakana, the only woman whose love for me was pure.

I can still remember when I first met her, when I wasn't sure if I was attracted to her. I initially was happy to be friends with her, and she made me laugh. One day I realised we were more than friends, and I realised I was attracted to her, and so I moved it to the next step.

I was still getting over Michelle and then Kylie (Venus), and I'd been purposefully single for 8-9 months, trying to get my head sorted. I got involved with Wakana, and my favourite saying was "I don't know how long it's going to last."

I just realised I did to her what Estera did to me... she used to say the same thing when we were together in the early '90s, and I felt terrible. I felt that she was talking herself out of a very good relationship, and I've just realised this moment that's what I was doing with Wakana. More for me to think about...

Other things I remember about Wakana is introducing her to a more western way of having a relationship - I'm quite open about my affections in public, which was something she wasn't used to, but enjoyed it because it was taboo in her country and that made it more exciting for her here. It was great for me to open her eyes to new feelings and experiences. I remember the drives that we used to go on, the relaxing times together. I remember being home at work sick, and she came over to cook me some soup and got lost on the trains to my place and ended up 2 hours late. I remember so many times of happiness with her, and it all just makes me feel more and more like a shmuck now.

I'd hoped she would come back. I knew that if she did, I'd be doing everything I could to make sure she didn't regret it, and I told her that. She loved me? I loved her. I wanted to be with her forever, and if that meant getting married, that's what I wanted. I told her all this. But it was too late.

I'd left her once, I could do it again. I can't blame her. But I sure do miss her. And that song makes me cry.

Categories: Relationships, Wakana

To all the mothers out there, I hope that yesterday was a wonderful day for you.

I rang my mum last night and spoke to her for the first time since 1996.

I'll talk about that another day though, after I've processed it.

I went to dinner last night with Vicki, my very good friend with whom I have wonderful conversations and amazing times of learning as a result.

At one point, I mentioned an incident that happened a couple days ago. I was driving home after work on Saturday and I was stopped at one point waiting for the lights to turn green. I saw this beautiful asian woman come around the corner and walk up the road towards me. I was... mesmerised. She saw me looking at her and she looked back with a bit of a smile. I smiled too. Then the lights turned green and the line of cars I was in started moving. I looked forward momentarily and then back at her as she was walking past, and she was still looking at me as I drove away. As I'm driving away I felt like I'd just experienced a missed opportunity.

You know those feelings? I have them rarely, but they always make you feel like you've missed out on something worthwhile.

So I mentioned that to Vicki, and we discussed it, and asian women in general. We - I - got into the reason why I'm interested in them so much right now, and I guess I've gained some self-realised clarification on the issue.

It's something I've commented about in this journal in the recent past. I've been hurt in the past by those western women who haven't had any commitment towards me or what we had. They 'jumped ship' instead of trying to make a go of it.

I've been the same way on only one occasion - which turned out to be the only occasion that really mattered (when I left Wakana). However, I've learnt from my experiences and my hurts, and I've come to the conclusion that I want to try something different. I want to try a relationship with an asian woman because they have a greater sense of commitment than most western women.

The only drawback I've seen is that their commitment often comes at the expense of their personal happiness. They are more willing to stay in a relationship that they aren't happy with, that doesn't fulfil them, because of their sense of 'duty' to the relationship.

I know that if I was with someone who was with me out of duty rather than love, then I would be trying to find out where the problem is, why they weren't in love with me any more. I'm sure I could sense it in their attitude, and I'd do what I could to work out whatever issues arose. If I wasn't making them happy, or fulfilling them even after trying to sort out whatever issues there were, then I couldn't stay in the relationship. It would be best to move on than to be in a partnership that was holding someone back from finding their happiness.

So I'm looking for a more determined attitude of commitment from someone, whether they're asian or western doesn't really matter. It's just that the asian women more often seem to have what I'm looking for, and there's the reason for my attraction at this stage.

Categories: Relationships

I've just finished that book Wakana wanted me to read.

My heart broke, and I cried. A lot.

Wakana recommended I read this book because, in her opinion, it was about us, and the woman and her feelings and beliefs in the book were what Wakana felt hers were.

I've never cried so hard before.

"As much as I want you and want to be with you and part of you, I can't tear myself away from the realness of my responsibilities. If you force me, physically or mentally, to go with you, as I said earlier, I cannot fight that. I don't have the strength, given my feelings for you. In spiteof what I said about not taking the road away from you, I'd go because of my own selfish wanting of you.

"But please don't make me. Don't make me give this up, my responsibilities. I cannot do that and live with the thought of it. If I did leave now, those thoughts would turn me into something other than the woman you have come to love."

Robert Kincaid was silent. He knew what she was saying about the road and responsibilities and how the guilt could transform her. He knew she was right, in a way. Looking out the window, he fought within himself, fought to understand her feelings. She began to cry.

Then they held each other for a long time. And he whispered to her, "I have one thing to say, one thing only, I'll never say it another time, to anyone, and I ask you to remember it: In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once, and never again, no matter how many lifetimes you live."

Wakana felt she was the woman in this story, and I was the man, and me reading the book would make me understand her, and why she felt she couldn't be with me even though she loved me.

I did. And my heart broke at the sadness she must be feeling, and the happiness she must have for having known me. And for how much I hurt her, and for how much I wanted to make everything right with her but was unable to.

My eyes are sore and all puffed up, and I'm afraid to look in the mirror. I'm afraid I'll hate myself.

But don't worry, I don't hate myself. I'm just terribly sad.

I decided to place a photo in here of her and I. I found one, and I just broke down again when I saw that the best one of us together was taken exactly a year ago two weeks ago. I'm not having a good time right now, but I need this. I need to go through all this, these feelings, the heartache, the sorrow and the anguish, so that I can get to the other side.


Thank you for putting up with, and being interested in, my journey of the soul.

Categories: Relationships, Wakana

Last night I had an awesome chat on the phone with Mel, my friend back in Canberra. We spoke about Matrix: Reloaded (more on that soon) and also my 'love life'. I discussed events concerning Wakana and her boyfriend, and how they've moved to Christchurch now, and how I've felt about her and the situation.

I realised that I'm still very much in love with her (which is probably obvious), but I also realised that I haven't been doing much to move beyond my feelings for her. I've been feeling sorry for myself, and missing her, and keeping myself in that state where I'm in still hanging on. I'm in limbo, and I realised it last night.

I realised that I have to do what it takes to move on.

The last time I 'moved on' and resolved my issues was in 2001, when I spent 8 months just keeping to myself and having no desire to get involved with anyone. It worked out well, being a great period of growth for me. So now I need to do that again, and just keep to myself for a while, sorting through my feelings about the past and who I am now.

And so it began today, with me making that decision to do what it takes to move on. I'm going to remain single for a while now.

I'll still meet people, but I just won't get involved with them. I met Wakana that same way, and the friendship I developed with her worked its way into becoming a relationship. I was almost ready for it, and it just happened without my conscious knowledge. I know I wasn't completely ready back then though, 'cause I ended up leaving her after only a few months.

I'll take more time in the future instead of letting things move quicker than they should.

Matrix: Reloaded.

Oh my God. What an awesome ride! I'm not going to give any spoilers, in consideration of those of you who haven't seen it yet.

I spent the first 20 minutes of the movie feeling like my mouth was hanging open in amazement. It felt like the popcorn I was putting into it was just falling back out again because of my slackjawed condition. There were some incredible fight scenes (as you're probably expecting, so that's not a spoiler), and the ending really made you pissed off that you have to wait so long for the next one!!! I know, 6 months isn't a long time, but it is in relation to that ending!

*grin*

There's some amazing head trips involved in the story, and you really have to think about what's going on. I'm also convinced that you have to see it more than once to get a decent understanding of it, and I intend seeing it at least twice more over the next week.

I've got some awesome theories from it, and I'm looking forward to seeing the third movie in November, just to see if my theories turn out to be right.

Woohoo!

Categories: Life, Relationships, Fun

Last night I said goodbye to Wakana. I came to realise that I couldn't continue having her in my life when every time she comes online to chat to me, she tells me how much she loves me and misses me. It wasn't very positive for allowing me to move on. Every time she told me those things, I would start to talk to her about how she could come back to me. It was stupid, 'cause she's not going to come back.

So I did what I had to do and told her not to contact me any more, and explained why. Again, I didn't feel very well after having done it, but I knew I needed to.

I rang my friend Kath back in Australia afterwards and after having a chat with her about it, I felt a bit better. However, the act of saying goodbye to Wakana and discussing it with Kath helped me to see other areas of my life that I needed to change, areas that were holding me back.

The only other area of my life that is still holding me back in some ways is my involvement with Amanda (Miss X). I still have feelings for her, and every time I talk to her, I feel emotionally drawn to her again, and again, and again. It's a repeating cycle that's going nowhere.

I spoke to her on the weekend, and she told me that her boyfriend proposed to her but she said no, 'cause he's got a lot of emotional work to do before he's ready for her to accept him into her life in that fashion. I initially rang her on Friday night and she was at a friend's and asked me to call her back on Saturday, which I did. She told me when I rang back that her friend asked her who I was, and Amanda told her, and her friend said that Amanda should marry me instead, but Amanda told her that she couldn't 'cause I was in NZ. I questioned her briefly about her response to her friend, and she suggested I come for a holiday to catch up and see what happens.

There's only one problem.

I didn't believe she was serious, and I realised she's never really been serious in the past.

I've given her emotional support, and she's always needed that, but has never given me anything in return. Right now, she's looking for more emotional support, and seems to be willing to offer me a hope in exchange for it.

It's when I realised what kind of energy is passing back and forth between us that I realised something needed to be done about it.

So I've just sent her an email telling her how I've felt about her over the years, how much I've loved her but never had anything in return, and how much it hurts me now to say goodbye, but it can't go on any more.

I'm breaking the ties with my past, letting go of those things which are holding me back. Those feelings I have which are preventing me from moving forward. It's all going - I'm throwing it all away and making a fresh start.

In the past 16 hours, I've said goodbye to two women that I've loved so much, but can't get anything from in return. I'm opening my heart and my life to new opportunities.

A new path has been chosen, and I feel a little lighter now. I look behind me, and I see baggage lying on the ground. Baggage which I've been carrying around with me for a long time. It's on the ground now, where I've discarded it, and I turn my back on it and with a lighter step, I walk forward.

Categories: Life, Relationships