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Sunday, July 03, 2005

Happy Birthday Part 3

Deidre's birthday was... interesting. We had lunch on the day, and she started believing that I just wasn't going to get her anything for her birthday. She got upset, so I had to convince her that I really did get her something for her birthday. So then she felt really bad about how the surprise I had for her was spoilt, and she apologised. We discussed some more about the situation, and she said that her ex had not gotten her a single birthday or xmas present for the entire 3 years that she'd known him, so she just 'assumed' I was exactly like him and spat the dummy. I think the lesson for her was to learn to trust me, while the lesson for me was... well, to realise that she's still touchy about some things from her past.

Since then...

...some people we've spoken to about her birthday experience have suggested to me that the lesson is to get her an expensive gift each birthday and to make sure she knows I'm buying her something.

Unfortunately for them, and maybe for Deidre, that's not the lesson I'm learning from it. I learnt that she still has issues with the past, and that I continue pushing the buttons in her that other people have created. I learnt that it wasn't so much the gift that was important to her, but the fact that I actually gave her something. I learnt that a lot of other people in our life, friends of mine, have rigid beliefs that the amount of love a person has for them is indicated by the size or expense of the present that's bought for them. Overall, I learnt that this capitalist society we live in runs deep into the relationships people have.

I reject it.

For her birthday I made her a website. It's still under construction right now, as I teach her how to use it. She loved it, and thought it was a very special present indeed. It's going to allow her to keep her own diary kind of site, to write comments for friends and family, and to post photos on it as well. The other gifts I gave her was a couple of CDs and dinner out at a restaurant that we've often talked about going to but never got around to.

So after all was said and done, it turned out ok. She still loves me. *grin*

She had an actual birthday party last night, and while 4 of my friends turned up, only 1 of her (our) friends turned up, so there was 7 of us there. It was a good number. We had dinner at a Turkish restaurant, and then went to some nice bar and had a marguerita. Then everyone went home except Deidre and one of our friends, , Renu, and the two of them went out dancing. I came home as well, and my intention was to play a computer game until Deidre contacted me to come and pick her up, but by this time - midnight - I was just too tired to sit in front of the computer, so I went to bed instead. Just after 2am, Deidre rang and I got up to pick up her and Renu, and take Renu home. We finally got back home ourselves just after 3am, when we went straight to bed. I was so tired! But I - we - had a great night.

Posted on 7/03/2005 09:02:00 PM Backlinks

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Anonymous Anonymous said...


We, your friends, suggested that most people would be upset to think their love one did not give them something on their special day (cost irrelevant).

You happily joked the night before the b'day that you did not buy her anything. Your woman with her wide-eyed-trust believed you!!!

It was a fantastic night - enjoyed by all.

I hope with love that you truly do not think any of the people there that night view the amount of love is dictated by the number of expensive gifts given.

I personally met my dear husband when he was a poor student. At the same time I was being persued by another with an income in excess of 100K. The latter gentleman had no hope as I was besotted with my future husband.

Ahhhh but I do love jewels and unfortunately they are expensive.

7/05/2005 07:21:00 PM  
Blogger Alan Howard said...

hi anonymous, many thanks for your comment. It's nice to have my anonymous friends reading this too. :-)

I happily joked with her that I might or might not have bought something. I suggested to her that I might buy something from the $2 shop, and if she was lucky, maybe I'd get her TWO gifts from the $2 shop. Everything I did with her was to the extreme of uncaring, with the intent of it being obvious I was pulling her leg. She thought it was funny until the day, when she started getting flashbacks to her ex, who never bought her a thing in 3 years, and that affected not only her sense of humour (taking it away completely), but also her memory at the jokes I was having with her. From that point, she was convinced that I was just like her ex, and had no intention of getting her anything.

But as I said in the entry, it turned out ok in the end.

It wasn't just those in the circle of friends you know and love that made comments to me about this, regarding the need to buy a female partner an expensive gift in order for them to stay happy. It was other friends of mine, particularly someone from work.

I've always felt that money should be unimportant in regards to love and relationships, and I feel that the sharing of wealth should be something that both people work together on and earn for themselves. If a poor person shacks up with a wealthy person, there's an imbalance that often creates huge problems.

Thanks again for taking the time to comment in my journal, I hope you decide to check it out every now and again and see what else I'm saying.

7/05/2005 07:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Renu said...


Just to add to the comment of anon..As much as your friends seem materialistic.. you are the only one that drives a beamer :-)

Deidre and I had a fantastic night out on her birthday. She is a great dancer and a fun person to go out with (and her VIP card was a bonus). We had a ball! Thanks for picking us up at 2am in the morning. That was very sweet:-)

7/26/2005 09:54:00 AM  

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