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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Polyamory

Polyamory, for those of you who don't know, is this:
Polyamory is the nonpossessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultanously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is an umbrella term which integrates traditional mutipartner relationship terms with more evolved egalitarian terms. Polyamory embraces sexual equality and all sexual orientations towards an expanded circle of spousal intimacy and love. Polyamory is from the root words Poly meaning many and Amour meaning love hence "many loves" or Polyamory.
Why am I telling you this?

I believe in the polyamorous lifestyle. It feels right to me. I don't believe the heart and love should be restricted by the norms of society, where it is genarally demanded, socially, that we be 'serial monogamists'. We are allowed to love only one person at a time, and if we find that we love more than one, we are forced to make a choice between one or the other. We must love only one person after another; never are we allowed to love more than one at the same time.

Those who feel this is wrong reside on the perimeter of society, choosing 'alternative lifestyles'. Swinging, bisexuality, homosexuality, polyamory, etc, are all 'alternative lifestyles'. They are choices about the kind of lifestyle one wishes to be part of, and how one wishes to express their love or emotions. Many of these, being outside of what is considered 'normal', are frowned upon by more conservative elements of society.

Freedom, individuality and open-mindedness are qualities found in people who seem to naturally drift into open lifestyles. People who value restriction, security, control and tradition, are those who remain monogamous, continuing the restricted lifestyle choice of loving only one person at a time.

The fact that more marriages fail than what actually succeed seems to show that marriage, and monogamy, is fast becoming an outdated lifestyle choice.

Interestingly, I read that up to 80% of people in a monogamous relationship will have an affair behind their partner's back. They pretend to be monogamous, but really, they're unable to control their natural desires to share love or physical pleasure with people other than their partner. When so many people cheat on their partner, it becomes obvious that people are naturally inclined to NOT be loyal or devoted to one person.

The natural inclination is to experience love and pleasure with more than one person.

Jealousy and insecurity are major factors in maintaining control within a monogamous relationship. These negative feelings arise when one feels unworthy of their partner's love and attention, and they're afraid that any man or woman who comes into their partner's life could take their partner away from them, and as a result, they would be lonely once again. This loneliness is what people don't want, and so they will often go to great lengths to avoid being lonely. They will exert control on their partner, or submit to their partner's control.

Many relationships are unhappy relationships, existing only because they don't want to be alone, and they're afraid that if they leave their partner, they will be alone forever, that no one will want them. They are with an unloved partner because, ultimately, anything is better than nothing.

Those who cheat on their partner are those who are trying to find a connection with someone; a connection that they don't have in their current relationship. That can be emotionally or purely physical. When their misadventures are discovered or confessed to, the relationship often ends in misery for all concerned.

I think that relationships would be more stable, more loving, and more committed if people were able to feel comfortable about expressing their fears or desires openly and honestly. The only way this could be done is if it's understood that the expression of these things doesn't mean that the relationship is unsatisfying, or that it's on the verge of ending.

If people were more open about their desires, and given greater freedom in realising those desires, then there wouldn't be a need for dishonesty. There wouldn't be a need for cheating. There wouldn't be a need for 'affairs' and broken hearts.

Instead, people would be happier to express themselves, and to find OTHER fulfilling relationships outside of the one with their partner. It's about having multiple loving relationships, without any of them needing to suffer due to insecurity and jealousy.

That's the ideal. And it can be achieved, with communication, honesty, and openness. And a desire to be without restrictions.

Marriage does not need to be a bondage, a slavery, to one person. Marriage, and any relationship, can simply be about being able, and free, to express love to whoever you feel comfortable with.

Polyamory is about overcoming the insecurities and jealousies of this society, and moving forward with love and freedom. It's a lifestyle choice that I'm interested in exploring in the future, once my primary relationship is secure, and a lot more communication has taken place between Deidre and I. A lifetime of 'programming' about monogamy is not overcome overnight.


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Posted on 8/09/2005 05:33:00 PM Backlinks


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1 Comments:

Blogger Erin Monahan said...

well said - now if we could just convince more people of the validity of this concept!

10/01/2005 03:34:00 PM  

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