"Oh my..." seems appropriate to describe tonight.

I went out to dinner with Wakana, to a Japanese restaurant. I didn't plan that, but it was there after searching for somewhere to look, and it seemed alright, so in we went. We were the only ones there, just the two of us. Everyone else in Wellington was at the rugby stadium or in front of their tv watching it - boring! So anyway, we had a Japanese BBQ dinner, which was really nice. Wakana liked it a lot.

We talked a lot, had a good time, and then I went to take her home. That's when the kissing started.

I've been wondering if it's bad of me to be doing this, but one part of me knows that she still loves me (why else would she still be seeing me when she knows how I feel? But that was also confirmed by her tonight). Another part of me knows that she's not happy with her current boyfriend, but she doesn't want to hurt him by leaving him (and yes, I talked to her about hurting herself by putting other people first and ignoring what she wants and needs). Yet another part believes that this is the best thing I could be doing. So all of that is sort of balanced off against how this is making her life difficult.

Now she's got to make a choice. If she chooses me, fantastic. If she chooses 'the other guy' (the one she's actually with), then "C'est La Vie"; I'll just have to stop seeing her and leave that behind completely.

It was a nice night though, and she was really happy about how things went. Apparently the last time she's been to a Japanese restaurant was when her and I were together early last year... Bringing up 'associations' can be a good thing, I guess.

Apart from that, I spent a big part of the day looking at houses. I used over a quarter tank of petrol - which is a big thing when you have an 80-litre tank! Hehehe (I think that's about 17 gallons or something, for the metrically challenged in America.

I found a few nice places. Two of them I'm waiting for me to call back if they want me, and two of them are waiting for me to call back if the first two don't call. However, the problem with the two waiting on me is that they're pretty much out of the way. They're not close to the city, so that's an inconvenience. I want somewhere close.

I might just end up taking the place that's already been approved for me, my own flat. But I might have to see about getting the rent down a bit on that. We'll just see what happens.

The place that I really want is with this lady who's just moving into it tomorrow. She seems pretty laid back, and the place is huge, with plenty of space. She's going to call me back tomorrow, I hope.

God I hate moving. I really, really hate it. It happens so much in my life, I just wish it would stop. It's not like I plan it, it just happens that way. I'm a wanderer, I think... I wander round and round and round and round...

Categories: Relationships, Travel

Traditionally, Valentine's Day (VD) has had no meaning for me. I seem to have been alone for most of them. Let's look back on the past 5 years, the length of time that this journal has been in existence:

1998
Went out on a first date with an asian lady called Helen

1999
VD was alone and uneventful.

2000
I'd split up with Darlene a month previous, so was alone for VD.

2001
I'd split up with Michelle, and was too busy trying to deal with her harrassment to worry about VD.

2002
I started 'officially' going out with Wakana on VD. It was the first special VD in my life. We went to a Chinese restaurant and started our relationship on that day.

2003
Today. I went to a different Chinese restaurant - with Wakana. I don't know if it started anything new, but I'm sure time will tell.

I guess I just went through all that (above) 'cause I'm feeling a little melancholy. VD this year and last year were with the same woman, and both times were very special. However, after today's fun and excitement, I'm left with a feeling of sadness.

I don't know where this is going. I've learnt from her today, in not so many words, that she seems to want a full-time relationship with her current partner and a part-time relationship with me.

The reason for this weirdness is that she doesn't want to hurt him by leaving him, because she's been hurt herself and she doesn't want to hurt someone else the same way. It's a big barrier for her. Huge barrier. His feelings come before her own, and as long as she's not hurt by him herself, then she'll always stay with him even though she might not be happy in the relationship. Her happiness comes second.

Bah. It's crazy. So I'm left as the one she'd like to be with but 'can't' be because of her attitude to the other guy.

A long time ago, when I was young and foolish (now I'm just older and foolish), I was hanging around a woman I loved very much, but who wasn't prepared to return the same love. I was fooling myself in hoping things would change. Eventually, after it hurt too much to be around her and only get used in return, I cut her out of my life; I moved out of the flat we shared, left the job that we also shared, and even went so far as to leave the city, moving from Adelaide to Canberra. I described it in my written journal back then that it felt like I was cutting a cancerous growth from my arm with a rusty butter knife, but if I didn't do it, then I'd end up destroyed by it.

This is getting almost to that point, but Wakana isn't using me - except for emotional satisfaction, I guess.

My new place is going to be real good for me. I'll be by myself, in an environment that won't have anyone else spoiling MY space. I'll burn incense and candles, meditate, surround myself with pot plants, and enjoy MY space. I'll rediscover my centre, and move forward in my life.

I'm still going to see Wakana every now and again, but I won't eagerly be seeking it out. I'll enjoy her company when I've got it, but I'll accept that nothing's going to happen between us.

There's too many trust issues that she's got as well, which is completely understandable. As she explained tonight, she'd always be wondering if I'd leave her again.

I feel that a lot of time has to pass before she can trust me again to walk down that path with me again, if that's what she'd like to do. While she still loves me, nothing will happen unless the other guy leaves her, as she won't be initiating it herself.

I feel tired of dating, and tired of wondering what's going to happen with tihs woman or with that woman, and tired of having love lost. I'm tired of making mistakes with women, and I'm tired of wanting to be with women. I know somewhere I've got issues, and I know I should resign myself, for the time being, to being single and alone.

I have to make an effort to want to be single.

Categories: Life, Relationships

Things are looking positive with what's going on with Wakana. I was with her a couple nights ago, going for a drive and having dinner. Apparently, I'm just not like I used to be at all, which doesn't surprise me, 'cause I feel differently than I used to. When her and I were originally together, I was blase about the whole thing, but now I'm not. Being with her is just a lot more important to me now, so I'm not treating it casually, and I'm making the most of the time I spend with her.

At one point she asked me if I was waiting for her and her boyfriend to split up, and I said yes, to which she smiled and changed the subject. I also asked her if she would actually move to Christchurch as planned, which she'd told me about some weeks ago, but that's not happening any more. It seems that even if he asked her to go and he was going anyway, she wouldn't go. I think she's just waiting for him to leave her, 'cause she can't do it herself. It's all about the Japanese conditioning she still has trouble leaving behind. He hasn't done anything wrong, so she cant leave him, even though she doesn't love him.

It's strange, but so are many of the Japanese ways of living. Their world is completely alien to Western standards. What I'm trying to do is accept that and understand her issues, and just be here for her.

I still know getting back with her might not happen, but I'm being positive about what's going on so far, and patient about waiting. I'm enjoying being her friend right now.

Categories: Relationships, Wakana

The waiting is over

You're probably thinking, 'the waiting is over? Woohoo! She's come back to him!'

But no, it's completely the opposite. After spendind more time with her today, this morning and then again this evening, I ended up giving her some kind of ultimatum, 'cause I can't keep doing it like this.

I explained to her that I couldn't keep on wanting to be with her, and then driving her home to be with another man. I told her that I loved her, and wanted to be with her forever, to look after her and be looked after by her, but I couldn't continue being her 'kissing friend'.

I told her that because I couldn't keep on doing this any more, I didn't want to see her until or unless she was single, that it was up to her to decide who she really wanted to be with. If I never heard from her again, I'd understand what her answer is. But if she contacts me again, it has to be because she's decided she doesn't want to be with the other guy any more, and she wants to be with me much more.

So with her very angry and upset about this, I dropped her off back near her place, and I said goodbye. I may or may not hear from her again, but I think it was the best thing I could have done.

Categories: Wakana, Relationships