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Thursday, July 24, 2003

To all the girls I've loved before

In continuing the dating theme - and the exploration of relationships - I'm going to catch up on something I wrote over 3 years ago, and continue where I left off. Read here for the history - http://thespirit.magickalmusings.com/journ...jan00/31100.htm

In June 2000, I moved to New Zealand to be with Michelle (Mish). From this relationship I learnt that women can seem wonderful to begin with, but deep down inside, they can be hiding an entire lifetime of pain and craziness. It was my first experience with someone emotionally fucked up and psychotic.

It's like, you hear all the stories about psycho women, but until you encounter one yourself, you never really understand what it's like. Now I understand. I learnt a number of signs to watch out for, and I learnt that I never want to get involved with anyone like that ever again.

After Michelle was Kylie (Venus). That started strangely. We met, I didn't like her that much, and only wanted to be friends. A week later she pulled out all the stops to show me how wonderful she was - and she was. For 3 months after that, we had a highly sexual relationship, every weekend - because she lived nearly 2 hours drive from Wellington. Then we moved into a house together in Wellington, and that was the end of it. A month later we split up. I learnt that when you make a woman think you don't want her, she wants you all the more, and will go to all lengths to prove how desirable she actually is. Especially if she's got some self esteem issues and needs to feel desirable.

Then there was Wakana. I went into that with the thought of just being friends, but it quickly became a relationship. After 6 months, I left her, thinking that I knew what I wanted, and that she wasn't what I wanted. I learnt that I was wrong. But more of that shortly...

Next came Nicola. She was someone that I thought was who I'd been searching for, an ideal woman. She was beautiful, confident, and very much into communication. Initially, she was into me in a big way (and vice versa). But she lived in Auckland, and we only saw each other once a month. I learnt AGAIN that long distance relationships don't work, and that what might have succeeded, didn't. When we needed to be together to feel good about what we had or were working towards, we couldn't be. It was destined to fail. I learnt that phone relationships can be very intense, but can never substitute for the reality of being together and able to touch each other when we needed to touch or be touched.

Wakana returned, but was unavailable due to having a boyfriend. But she wanted to make everyone happy, and couldn't bring herself to leave him when things between her and I heated up again. I learnt more about her during this time than ever before, because she was open about herself, her past and her feelings. I learnt that Japanese women (asian women?) feel they can't share themselves when in a relationship, but when not in a relationship, sharing themselves is ok. I learnt that I wanted her back even more than anything. I didn't get what I wanted though. I learnt that sometimes two people can be in love with each other but unable to be with each other. I learnt that while it wasn't a common love story, it was a known love story. Love forever, but never. (I like that... I just made it up.)

After Wakana was a lady who was also unavailable - she was married. I had a great time, and wished she wasn't married so that I could see where things might have lead. Instead things went nowhere (understandably so), and that ended recently. I learnt it was unreasonable of me to want something from someone who can't give it.

The latest won't be named yet. But I've already learnt that what you think you want might be something completely different to what you end up feeling you need. I've learnt that it's ok to have some needs, as long as they aren't detrimental to your wellbeing, or that of the person you're with. I've learnt that friendship can be as rewarding as a relationship, and I've learned to be thankful for teachers that come into our lives.

And now we're up to date.

Posted on 7/24/2003 03:49:00 PM Backlinks


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(C) Alan Howard 1998 - 2006