In continuing the dating theme - and the exploration of relationships - I'm going to catch up on something I wrote over 3 years ago, and continue where I left off. Read here for the history - http://thespirit.magickalmusings.com/journ...jan00/31100.htm

In June 2000, I moved to New Zealand to be with Michelle (Mish). From this relationship I learnt that women can seem wonderful to begin with, but deep down inside, they can be hiding an entire lifetime of pain and craziness. It was my first experience with someone emotionally fucked up and psychotic.

It's like, you hear all the stories about psycho women, but until you encounter one yourself, you never really understand what it's like. Now I understand. I learnt a number of signs to watch out for, and I learnt that I never want to get involved with anyone like that ever again.

After Michelle was Kylie (Venus). That started strangely. We met, I didn't like her that much, and only wanted to be friends. A week later she pulled out all the stops to show me how wonderful she was - and she was. For 3 months after that, we had a highly sexual relationship, every weekend - because she lived nearly 2 hours drive from Wellington. Then we moved into a house together in Wellington, and that was the end of it. A month later we split up. I learnt that when you make a woman think you don't want her, she wants you all the more, and will go to all lengths to prove how desirable she actually is. Especially if she's got some self esteem issues and needs to feel desirable.

Then there was Wakana. I went into that with the thought of just being friends, but it quickly became a relationship. After 6 months, I left her, thinking that I knew what I wanted, and that she wasn't what I wanted. I learnt that I was wrong. But more of that shortly...

Next came Nicola. She was someone that I thought was who I'd been searching for, an ideal woman. She was beautiful, confident, and very much into communication. Initially, she was into me in a big way (and vice versa). But she lived in Auckland, and we only saw each other once a month. I learnt AGAIN that long distance relationships don't work, and that what might have succeeded, didn't. When we needed to be together to feel good about what we had or were working towards, we couldn't be. It was destined to fail. I learnt that phone relationships can be very intense, but can never substitute for the reality of being together and able to touch each other when we needed to touch or be touched.

Wakana returned, but was unavailable due to having a boyfriend. But she wanted to make everyone happy, and couldn't bring herself to leave him when things between her and I heated up again. I learnt more about her during this time than ever before, because she was open about herself, her past and her feelings. I learnt that Japanese women (asian women?) feel they can't share themselves when in a relationship, but when not in a relationship, sharing themselves is ok. I learnt that I wanted her back even more than anything. I didn't get what I wanted though. I learnt that sometimes two people can be in love with each other but unable to be with each other. I learnt that while it wasn't a common love story, it was a known love story. Love forever, but never. (I like that... I just made it up.)

After Wakana was a lady who was also unavailable - she was married. I had a great time, and wished she wasn't married so that I could see where things might have lead. Instead things went nowhere (understandably so), and that ended recently. I learnt it was unreasonable of me to want something from someone who can't give it.

The latest won't be named yet. But I've already learnt that what you think you want might be something completely different to what you end up feeling you need. I've learnt that it's ok to have some needs, as long as they aren't detrimental to your wellbeing, or that of the person you're with. I've learnt that friendship can be as rewarding as a relationship, and I've learned to be thankful for teachers that come into our lives.

And now we're up to date.

Yesterday someone contacted me for a survey about online dating. I responded to their survey questions and gave a few thoughts about online dating, in relation to my own experiences in the past.

Since then, I've been thinking about something that I read a while ago, and which I may have commented on here about (or I could be confusing it with talking about it to one of my online friends).

I've been thinking about recording my own dating experiences. Recording the events, my feelings, whatever funny might have happened, and so on. Maybe things I learn, etc.

Some of my 'fans' of this journal are women that I've dated, had relationships with, or just talked about it with, but are all now friends of mine.

To you, I say this - the possibility exists that anything I say in this journal from now on may be something you find hurtful or offensive, so if you think you may be hurt or offended, please stop reading now. All of you know where you stand in my life, and for one reason or another, either have been with me in a failed relationship, or can't be with me at the moment, and are now my friends. Either way, life goes on, and this is part of my life.

You're my friends because I value you in my life, but while I understand you may be offended or hurt by the fact that I'm going to date other women and talk about it, life does go on. I have to live my life, and move forward, and this journal is a reflection of my life and those things that I want to talk about.

I'm doing this journal for myself, to express my feelings, and to grow from what I talk about and learn from. Along the way, I've built up a number of friends who have joined me in this journey, and are interested in how I write about the experiences of my life.

However, actually writing about my dating experiences could be disturbing to some of you, and for that I apologise (it's why I've kept it to myself in the past). But the responsibility is on you to stay away from potentially being disturbed by what I write. :shock:

I'm going to start straight away, and keep a journal of my experiences with dating, online or otherwise. Cheesy

Why? Because I can. Because it's part of my life.

I'm taking the time to 'warn' those of you who may be offended because I care about you, and I care that you might be hurt by what I describe about my life. Please stay away from the 'dating journal' section if that's the case, but if you do read it - that's your choice, and don't blame me for what you might find in there.

I've reached that point again - or for the first time - where I don't need someone in my life, and am completely enjoying my own company. Where I've really wanted to be with someone special in the past, now I'm just wanting to enjoy what life brings me. The company of a special woman would be nice again, rather than rejected, and so now I'm going to start recording my experiences to that effect.

I guess it'll stop when I start seeing someone exclusively, since I won't be dating then.

I went to do a Reiki course yesterday...

REIKI
alternative medical treatment: a treatment in alternative medicine in which healing energy is channeled from the practitioner to the patient to enhance energy and reduce stress, pain, and fatigue.
[Late 20th century. From Japanese, universal life force energy.]

This is pretty exciting for me, 'cause I've been wanting to do Reiki for years, but never really had the opportunity make itself known to me. Finally I did the course yesterday, and now I have a certificate that allows me to do it.

Every time I've tried to heal someone in the past, I've only had marginal success (eg. twice out of who knows how many attempts), and was never quite sure if I actually succeeded or if they were just humouring me to make me feel better.

Now, however, there's a big difference, noticeable straight away. My hands last night got very, very hot. This was evidence for me that something was different now (because that's the sign of a Reiki user) and it was evidence for my friend as well, because my hands immediately got hot when I started working on her.

Reiki works by being a channel for energy to flow into the chakras of the body that you're working on, thus facilitating a return to balance for those chakras, which ends up in balance being restored to the body - which usually means that healing is a result.

It often works on a deeper level than just healing an ailment or disease though, as they are just symptoms of an underlying emotional problem.

Our bodies are the expression of our minds, and if we suppress emotions, then they will eventually find expression through our body, resulting in an injury, illness or ailment. So Reiki works by healing often at an emotional level, giving energy to the body and allowing it to use that energy for what it feels is best for it.

Example: you come in with a sore back, and after a Reiki session you might get angry and express it, and afterwards the back starts getting better, because all that anger is no longer stored in the back and muscles.

Apparently, when all the chakras are in balance, physical healing can be quite fast and miraculous. It's when the chakras are out of balance that they're the ones that are healed first, because they are the centre of your existence.

CHAKRAS
center of spiritual power in body: in yoga, any one of the centers of spiritual power in the body. Each chakra is associated with a different god in Hinduism.
[Late 18th century. From Sanskrit cakra , literally wheel.]

So by working on the chakras, you're working on everything, all at the same time.

And the fact that my hands get so amazingly hot tells me that it's different now, that I'm actually working with energy rather than just hoping to.

Woohoo!

The latest interesting developments:

- I've re-organised my finances so that my debt repayments each month are greatly reduced (eg. I've paid out my credit card and restructured my personal loan). I was pleased that my bank advised me today that I've been put on a 'preferred customer' list, which apparently means any requests I have of them in future will be treated quicker, and I'll get a better response in terms of credit applications. Nice. Makes a big change from my past, when I didn't have any money most of the time, and my bank didn't know me from Arthur, Martha or Jack.

- I'm planning a holiday back to Australia in October, probably for 3 weeks. First I need to find somewhere to stay for that time.

- A friend of mine in Canberra has got a new job doing what I do. He's only had 2 years experience, whereas I've had 4 years, including management experience. However, he's earning twice what I currently am, and so I've given him my resume and asked him to put me forward for any jobs that come up. I've checked out the position he's got by going to his company's website and looking up the various positions. I found his exact position and, as I said to him, I could do that with my hands tied behind my back and gagged! Surprisingly, and unlike New Zealand lately, they don't require qualifications, but they do require varied and extensive experience. That's me!

So maybe I'll be going back to Australia permanently, before I get a chance to go back for a holiday...