I was talking to someone the other day (I can't remember who it was!) about how I've been involved with a number of married women over the years. They, like many others, felt that it was a bad thing being in an intimate relationship with a married woman. I used to agree - many years ago! These days I have a different opinion.

My first experiences with married women were all 'out of my control'. I was relatively young and naive and seduced in various ways that were or weren't enjoyable for me. I used to think that being involved with a married woman was bad because it was detrimental to the relationship with their husbands. However, I didn't realise at the time that the reason they were interested in an affair with me was because the relationship with their husbands had ALREADY degraded to the point where being with another man was worth the possibility of losing their husband. In most cases, I felt better about my involvement in those affairs afterwards because the lives of those women generally changed for the better after the affair with me. So I thought to myself that I had been a good influence on their lives.

The reality was more likely that regardless of who they had an affair with, the experience would have been enough to make them think about themselves and their marriage, and do something to improve it or their personal happiness. It was me being somewhat egotistical in thinking that I was personally responsible for positive change or growth in their lives. While that's somewhat true, I think it would have happened regardless of whom they had an affair with.

In recent times I've had a different attitude; maybe less egotistical in terms of my involvement in their life. I've thought, 'Hey, if they're interested in having an affair with someone, and I'm single, then why not? If it's not me, then it's going to be someone else, so I may as well take advantage of the situation.'

That's just me being a single man and opportunistic, and having learnt from my life and the experiences within it.

I was inspired to write about this because I read some random person's journal today, while I was doing a web search for something completely unrelated to what the journal was about, but it caught my interest. Tthey were talking about innocently being a married woman's friend (he was single), and she ended up wanting an affair with him. He was shocked that she could even consider having an affair with him, and agonised long and hard about how his involvement with her could seriously impact her marriage, and he didn't want to be the one to cause the breakup of a happy family.

I thought to myself, how noble... but how pathetic!

Again, it's not the individual outside of the marriage that would cause problems within the marriage - it's the married woman (or man, as the case may be) who already HAS problems within the marriage, and that's why they're seeking gratification from someone else.

I'm of the firm opinion that if you're a single guy (or woman) and a married woman (or man) wants a relationship with you, you have to weigh up the risks related to the benefits. Are you attracted to her? Can you be discreet? Can you live a lie in some respects? Do you know the husband personally and if so, can you sleep with his wife? Is the risk of being found out by him worth the consequences for yourself? Is he a weak person? (That may determine what the consequences might be - if he's a mild-mannered geek, then there's little risk to yourself, but if he's a 6' 6" tall meathead who practices his kickboxing by shaking the foundations of the house, you might want to reconsider...)

If you can answer yes to all of those questions, then being the man that a married woman has an affair with might be something you'd want to consider. (I've just researched and discovered that there's absolutely no male equivalent of the term 'mistress' in the English language. So while married men can have mistresses, married women just have affairs...)

However, if you have morals and ethics that prevent you from being involved with a married person, then simply don't get involved.

My entire discussion here has simply been around the inspiration behind this entry - that the man felt he couldn't get involved because he didn't want to break up a happy marriage. If it was a happy marriage, she wouldn't be wanting to have an affair with him, would she? That's the point I'm making.

As for me, I've come to think that if it's not me, then it's going to be someone else that she - whoever the married woman might be - has an affair with. So if I'm single, then I may as well enjoy what comes my way.

If I'm not single, it's a completely different story. I wouldn't even consider having an affair on my partner (and never have). My own loyalty to others - especially those who I love and who love me - is extremely important to me. While I understand it's not as important for many other attached men or women, it's not something I'd do myself. Playing around is only fine when I'm single, not when I'm attached.