Over the past few weeks, Wakana has been increasingly online and chatting to me about stuff. She has been asking me lots of questions about things she has to do in her life, asking for advice, etc. (She's also created a flyer for me to put up to advertise myself as a Conversational English teacher.)

However, it's gotten more frequent over the past few days, with her coming online and asking me how to do this, how to do that, what should she do here and there and everywhere else.

I've gotten frustrated. I've asked her why she's coming to me with this stuff when she should be talking to her partner - that's what he's there for. Apparently he's not that interested in helping her, and she's given me half-arsed excuses about why.

However, today was like a straw breaking the camel's back, so to speak. She's thinking about buying a car, because her partner is getting tired of driving her around to places she needs to go, or the buses take too long and it's inconvenient. So she's buying a car.

But she comes online and was asking me questions about this car and that, what she should look for, etc etc. All her problems would be solved if she just had someone to do it with her.

I 'spat the dummy' in a polite way when she told me her partner doesn't want to help her (from previous conversations, this includes the wedding plans), so this is how the conversation ended.

Neo: I'm very sad for you. A partner is someone who happily does things for you, but it sounds as if Mark does nothing for you. I'm very sad, but it's your life. I hope that you eventually find your happiness, because right now, I don't believe you have it

Neo: anyway, I have to go

Neo: bye for now

Wakana: bye

Wakana: im happy cause i should be happy, dont worry, hava good day alan

So it's obvious that she's still living her life because she feels she 'should' be happy with how things are. She has a man who wants to marry her. She should be happy, and so she 'is'.

Bah.

Stupidity.

But what can ya do? She makes her bed, she has to lie in it. It's only sad for me that she's choosing to live this kind of life of obligation rather than following her heart.

*shrug*

I don't have that much sympathy for her any more. She old enough to look after herself, and if she can't, then there's nothing I can do - or want to do - to help her. I moved past that last year.

Recent discussion about my relationship/dating preferences has inspired me to talk about my past experiences with women - western and asian - to relate what I've experienced and learned. I'm going briefly through all the women I've been involved with in 'long term' relationships (longer than a month). I've done this before (see here - http://www.thespirit-online.com/journal/archive/2000/jan00/31100.htm - but now I'm doing it again.

-------------------------------

WESTERN EXPERIENCES:

Samantha
Her and I were never actually together, but the intensity of my feelings will always be in my memories as if we WERE together. I learnt that if I'm going to chase what I can't have, then stop it after a month, rather than two years. Why a month? It's to give myself the awareness that I'm wasting my time trying. Because if you don't try, how do you know you won't succeed? You don't. But there's certainly no point trying for years. :blink:

Kate
She left me because I hadn't worked for a couple months. Fair enough, in a way, although I had my reasons. When she announced her decision, she wanted me to move out immediately. Without discussion, I had one hour's notice to leave or she'd call the police. Talk about a messy ending. The lesson learnt from this was to always be someone that a partner would be proud to be with.

Estera
She left me because she didn't feel the chemistry any more. Without discussion, it was simply over. (At least I had a couple weeks to move out.) I still consider my relationship with her to be the best long-term relationship (over a year) I've ever had. Oh wait.. it's the only REAL long term relationship I've ever had!

Darlene
She left me because she found another man on the internet. I learnt that long-distance relationships are difficult to maintain, and if you're going to get involved with someone in a long-distance relationship, do NOT give them a computer to get onto the internet with.

Michelle
I left her because she demanded far more than I could give her. I learnt to understand who I am and what I want, and what I'm prepared to put up with.

Kylie
She left me because my purpose had been served - to help her get to Wellington. I learnt that if you're going to have a long-distance relationship with someone and they want to move to your city, then help them find their own place, rather than let them move in with you.

Nicola
She left me because I didn't have enough money to suit her needs. (She was kind enough to let me think I was leaving her... and thankfully it was a month before I was going to move to be with her.) A year later she told me she's engaged to an airline pilot who owns 3 houses around the world. That was obviously more important to her than the quality of the man. Another long-distance relationship. I learnt to not get so excited when someone long-distance seemed so wonderful. I also learnt, that based on my experiences with long-distance relationships, that if we're going to be together then it's the woman that is going to make the effort to move to be with me. I believe it helps increase the level of commitment they have towards the relationship. I learnt that I want commitment from someone.

Penny
The only mutually mature relationship I've had, which was doomed from the start as we had different goals. However, our time together - and our parting - was by mutual choice, and I learnt more about the value of communication.

-------------------------------

ASIAN EXPERIENCES

Petra
Taiwanese. Wanted to be close to me but couldn't bring herself to being intimate with me. Emotionally screwed up due to bad life experiences. She got angry and stopped seeing me after I tapped her on the shoulder to point something out to her at a concert. I learnt not to tap women on the shoulder when they couldn't hear me.

Helen
Hong Kong Chinese. Emotionally screwed up, was a high-class prostitute earning thousands of dollars a night. I remember the first time we slept together - I just wanted to be with her without sex, and she cried when she realised I wanted to just get to know her. She liked me a lot but eventually stopped seeing me because I was too nice. I learnt that if a beautiful woman wants to be with me, step back a bit and play it cool. She could be a high-class prostitute looking for love. Normally that wouldn't be too much of a problem, but really, it is.

Wakana
Japanese. Very caring, giving, loving and committed. She was emotionally stable, and I was the one who was screwed up because I left her, thinking I couldn't get all my needs met with her. I learnt the most important lesson of all - the greenery on the other side of the fence may die very quickly. I learnt that communication problems is a poor excuse for leaving someone.

'Asian woman #4'
Chinese. Very caring. I filled a void in her life at the time. The relationship - such as it was - didn't last that long because I wanted more than she was able to give. If she was single, we'd be together. I learnt not to want more than I could get.

Zhenzhen
Chinese. Most confusing 'relationship' I've ever had (without being painful!). She wanted me, I wasn't ready for her and pushed her away. When I was ready, she had moved on. Doh! I learnt that I was ready to get married, because not wanting marriage was limiting my options in life. This was probably the biggest lesson I've learnt in my life. Instead of getting married to make someone happy, I learnt that I'm ready to get married for me and my future.

-------------------------------

From my experiences with these women, I've learnt the following:

Western women

• are looking for 'Mr Right'
• can be very easily distracted by the 'greener grass on the other side'
• are looking for security from their partner
• are able to easily end a relationship without discussion

Asian women

• are looking for someone who feels right
• searching for the green grass, but plant their roots when they believe they've found it
• are looking for security from their partner
• have a strong sense of commitment towards relationships

Generally

• marriage is a good idea if you're doing it for yourself rather than to make someone else happy
• if I'm going to get involved in a long-distance relationship, don't get too attached and needy about her
• if I've gotten attached to a woman in a long-distance relationsip, get her to move to be with me
• I prefer asian women because:
  - their values include a greater sense of commitment (which is an issue of mine)
  - I find them more attractive than many western women.

These are some of the things I've learnt in my life.

My involvement with Zhenzhen has come to a close. By the time I was ready to get into a relationship with her, she had already moved on. She had her misgivings about it after all the time of messing around, as I'd hurt her by keeping my distance. She had also met another man who, the first time they met, asked her to marry him. She said to him she'd think about it. Her 'thinking about it' was talking about it with me, and potentially playing one person off against the other. I wasn't interested in marrying her though, preferring to actually take the time to get to know someone rather than asking them to marry me the first time I met them.

But marriage was important to her - because she was a student here, and her parents were paying for her life over here, and so she felt obligated to them, and they wanted her to get married before she was 24 and she was currently 22 and reaching 'old age'. So she succumbed to the pressures of her culture and got engaged to the other guy (a kiwi in Christchurch, south island).

She apparently felt very strongly for me (I couldn't call it love) but was hurt by my actions at keeping a distance, when she wanted to be close, and because of her hurt she felt she couldn't trust me to be 'stable' with her. Understandable. But I was hurt at her own actions at choosing marriage with someone she hardly knew and didn't love, rather than continue getting to know me and re-kindling the trust.

This coming weekend she's moving to Chch to be the 'good little wife'. Two desperate people coming together. Her, desperate to be married and thus save hers and her parents' face, and him, for being a western man asking a beautiful asian girl to marry him on their first date.

I know that every person that comes into our life in some kind of major way bring us a lesson - or lots of them! I think I know what my lesson was in this case.

For most of my life I've been against marriage because of how my parents were. Mum got pregnant after a one-night stand, so dad 'did the right thing' and they got married. However, mum was extremely unhappy from that point on. She felt that if she hadn't gotten pregnant to my dad that she would have had a better life with another man she was interested in at the time. So as the first-born, I was the one that received blame from my mother for her unhappiness throughout my childhood. There wasn't much love in our family (I have two brothers, one 4 years younger than me and the other 6 years younger), as it seemed that mum's unhappiness was only compounded by the extra children.

I know that they did the best that they could - they did their 'duty' as parents to bring us up right, and to provide for us all the things that children need and want. However, what they didn't give us was love. They had no love for each other - how could they love their children?

So I grew up with a very strong attitude of being anti-marriage. It was a bad thing, I thought, and that feeling was only reinforced by so many divorces that happen in society. I felt that marriages were religious ceremonies of bondage that do nothing to promote happiness between a couple, and instead promote the power of the church over the lives of those people.

I had the idea that I didn't need the marriage ceremony or certificate to prove I loved someone. Unlike my parents, I learnt to express love and honesty, because I didn't want to be what my parents were. I wanted to be someone who could love and be loved. So while I've had a lot to give the partners I've had in my life, I didn't have marriage in my plans.

I was engaged to someone when I came to NZ in mid-2000. But I was engaged because I thought that I would spend the rest of my life with that person and engagement and marriage was something that THEY wanted. I gave in to their expectations, even though I was against it, because I wanted to make them happy (at the expense of my own happiness). They were the ones who introduced the subject, talked me into it, and even bought the engagement ring. They were desperate to get married, and I was the man willing to give in to their desperate need. However, it turned out they had Borderline Personality Disorder, a mental illness which only became diagnosed after I ended up leaving her. We had been together for 5 months, and engaged for 4 months. Her extreme and 'insane' reactions to me leaving her only helped me believe that I should never try to get married to anyone.

And so we come back to Zhenzhen and what I've come to realise about myself, life and being with someone special.

I realised that by being dead-set against marriage, I was closing the door to a lot of potential happiness in my life.

I realised that the unhappiness between my parents due to a bad marriage didn't need to apply to everyone or myself.

I realised that a failed engagement with a mad woman didn't mean all fiance's would become mad if an engagement failed.

I realised that my anti-religious stance in life, which also helped fuel my anti-marriage attitude, wasn't relevent because you can have non-religious marriage ceremonies.

I realised that if I wanted to be with someone special in my life, that getting married was something that just might be a good thing.

I realised that after almost having and then losing Zhenzhen because of the barriers I put up and then my disagreement with marriage, that I didn't want to go through that again. I felt like I had someone wonderful in the palm of my hand and I let her slip away from me by my own actions, rather than by circumstances. I know that she wasn't right for me in the end, because of her own desperate need to get married, but it made me understand more about myself and what I want.

I realised that I'm willing to get married to the right woman, but there has to be a 'qualifying period'. It's probably quite normal, I guess, but I'd have to be with her for at least 2 years before I'd agree to marriage. However, the way I figure it, if she wants to get married and I'm still very happy with our relationship after that period of time, then I'd be happy to commit to a future together in a formal (non-religious) ceremony.

I realised I needed the failure of Zhenzhen in my life in order to grow even further into my future.

I'm sure you knew that I don't do simple stories about events - I just have to talk about what they meant to me. I hope it's been as interesting for you as it's been for me to write it for you.

I'm going on a road trip around the North Island of New Zealand next month! It's with Mel, and I'm really looking forward to it. We've been planning it over the past month or so, and I've finally completed all the preparations from my side, including accommodation bookings.

For your information, I have it below:

--------------------------

DAY ONE
Sunday 14th March

Wellington
|
Wanganui
http://www.wanganui.com/gallery/scenic.html
|
New Plymouth
http://www.nzpictures.co.nz/newplymouth.htm

355 km
Accommodation:
http://sunflowerlodge.co.nz/


DAY TWO
Monday 15th March
|
New Plymouth - Waitomo Caves
http://www.new-zealand.com/WaitomoCaves/

182 km
Accommodation:
http://www.junowaitomo.co.nz/


DAY THREE
Tuesday 16th March
|
Waitomo Caves - Hamilton
http://www.hamiltoninfo.co.nz/webapps/cid/...ardsThumbs.html
|
Auckland
http://www.aucklandnz.com/VisitorInformation/Gallery/
|
Whangarei
http://www.kiwitourism.com/cityofwhangarei/area_guide.htm

246 km
Accommodation:
http://www.bunkdownlodge.co.nz/


DAY FOUR
Wednesday 17th March
|
Whangarei - Bay of Islands - Whangarei

150 km?
Accommodation:
http://www.bunkdownlodge.co.nz/


DAY FIVE
Thursday 18th March
|
Whangarei - Auckland

171 km
Accommodation:
http://www.acb.co.nz/


DAY SIX
Friday 19th March
|
Auckland - Whitianga (Coromandel)
http://www.coromandelfun.co.nz/whitiang.html
http://www.coromandelfun.co.nz/

176 km
Accommodation:
http://www.internationallodge.co.nz/


DAY SEVEN
Saturday 20th March

Whitianga (Coromandel)
http://www.coromandelfun.co.nz/whitiang.html
http://www.coromandelfun.co.nz/

Accommodation:
http://www.internationallodge.co.nz/


DAY EIGHT
Sunday 21st March
|
Whitianga - Tauranga
http://www.tauranga.co.nz/
|
Rotorua
http://www.newzealandoutdoors.co.nz/rotorua/

322 km
Accommodation:
http://www.acb.co.nz/hot-rock/


DAY NINE
Monday 22nd March
|
Rotorua - Taupo
http://www.laketauponz.com/ourenv/images.asp

82 km
Accommodation:
http://www.rainbowlodge.co.nz


DAY TEN
Tuesday 23rd March
|
Taupo - Napier/Hastings (Hawkes Bay)
http://www.hawkesbaynz.com/

168 km
Accommodation:
http://www.stayyha.com/hostels-ind.asp?id=34


DAY ELEVEN
Wednesday 24th March
|
Hawkes Bay - Dannevirke
|
Masterton
|
Wellington

311 km

What an interesting couple of days it's been in here, in this journal. I announce a realisation of my personal preferences, and suddenly, I'm made to feel as if I have no right to have those preferences. I didn't want to continue having to justify my actions, because it's all about my choices which aren't hurting anyone else. However, it's turned out to mean a lot to some people (hello Angelface :-)), so I'll continue to do so for as long as it's required.

If I announced that I'm not going to go out with blondes any more, and only stick with brunettes, there'd be no issue. I've already made it known that I'm not interested in dating overweight women at all, and there's been no issue on that either. But as soon as I say I'm only interested in asians, suddenly all hell breaks loose!

Fascinating.

Admittedly, I'm aware that it's mainly centred around the words I used to describe my view of western women, as having more bullshit than asian women. It's untrue, of course, and was inflammatory. Women of any race have their issues, their 'bullshit', just like men of any race. Including me. No one is safe from it. Some have less issues than others.

My journal entries are an expression of who I am, and the perceptions I have as a result of my experiences through life. If I have generally had bad experiences, and read about bad experiences, then my journal entries are going to reflect that. When I say 'western women', I say it as being my experiences and knowledge of them. It doesn't mean that if you're someone I've never met, that I'm talking about you personally. But some people seem to take it that way, when it's not been about them at all. It's been about me.

It's funny that the only people against decisions that are limiting - but by choice - are those that feel somehow affected by it themselves. It's my choice as to whether or not I want to be with brunettes and not blondes, or slim women and not overweight women, or asian women and not western women. But the ones who seem resentful of my choices are blondes, overweight women and western women, none of whom should really care about my choices, because there's so many other men out there that DO choose them. *shrug*

My implication that western women have more bullshit than asian women is untrue. What I really meant was that in my experience, I've had more bullshit from western women than I've had from asian women, and I've read about more western women bullshit than I have about asian women bullshit.

It's like, everyone is screwed up somehow. We just have to work out how much of someone's bullshit we can tolerate in our lives, and if we find that a person's bullshit is endearing and helps us love them more, then that's great. But if it's just too much for us to handle, then we move on to someone else who has bullshit we CAN handle. :-D And who can handle our own, of course.

For me, ultimately, it's about the different values that are acted upon by women in the different cultures. For me, being a single man wanting to settle down, I want someone of asian background because I feel that their values are more aligned with what I want in a woman.

Asian women are not subservient, etc. That's an attitude that used to be the case, but as freedom and individuality - western concepts - have spread around the world, asian women are discovering that it's ok for them to work and pursue their careers, and their own lives. It's ok for them to stand up for themselves if they need or want to. But at the same time, there is a mix of those western traits and asian values.

The asian values that I like are: greater sense of commitment, caring, giving, 'what can I do for you', respectful, appreciative.

Respect. That's an interesting trait to want. Some could say that means I want someone to look up to me. No, I just want someone to respect who I am and what I mean to them, as much as I would respect them. Many women demand respect without giving respect. I'd like to trade respect equally. What I'm after from someone is the same as what I'd like to give to someone.

Psychologically, I'm aware that all of this is primarily based on my experiences with Wakana. I'm looking for another Wakana, because I got so much from the relationship with her. I curse myself for throwing it away, and I want it back. Obviously not with her, but with someone else. That's what I think this is all abut, but it's something I'm embracing rather than rejecting.

'm going through a transition right now, that I'm finding quite fascinating. I realised it a few days ago. The transition is that I'm joining a growing number of white guys who are more interested in asian women than white (western) women. They have their varied reasons but I can only talk about it from my point of view.

However, I'll relate some emails sent and received, and some website quotes in order to detail what my point of view is.

Early last week I found a website called 'Young Dudes Guide To Japan', which was all about an English guy going to Japan and discovering a whole new existence with Japanese women. The site details a number of his stories, as well as the stories of other white guys in Japan (and other asian countries).

I was very impressed with the quality of writing, and also of the content. I sent the guy an email (something I don't normally do to website owners).

Hi Kris

I stumbled upon your articles at the Young Dudes website, and then found your home site. I've been inspired to send you an email based on your experiences with the stalker. It was pretty horrendous, and I can only sympathise with what it must have been like. I had my own stalker woman as well, but she was English. Turned out she had borderline personality disorder as well. I had many experiences similar to your own, but I also had the added bonus of living in the same city with her. Her disorder only became apparent after I left her after a 5-month relationship, and she then spent 3 months doing her best to convince me I really wanted to come back to her, which included suicide threats, death threats, manipulation and harrassment. That was a good 3 years ago now though, and thankfully she finally got the message after the second time I had her arrested for threatening to kill me. She went back to England after that.

Mate, I'm not writing to just tell you about something that's been similar for us. I'm writing because I've realised just today that I'm an AAA, as you put it. Your site is just awesome, and you've got some fantastic experiences that you've written about. I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate reading what you've shared with us all.

I'm sure you get a lot of emails from people, but I guess I've become a 'fan' of what you've written. I'm going through some kind of transition at the moment where I'm tired of western women and their bullshit, and while asian women have bullshit as well, it's often not as much, and at least they're often a lot prettier and their values are generally more in line with what I'm looking for in a woman. You've also inspired me to start teaching English to asian students here, and the possibility exists that I might end up in Japan or China myself...

Thanks for presenting something so down to earth to help us understand Japan more, and thanks for sharing so much of your heart with us.

He replied with:

Hello Alan,

Just to let you know I got your e-mail, thanks for your comments. I do get a lot of e-mail from dudes out there but I read every one and naturally it makes me chuckle my ass off to think my web-site which was such a pissy little thing 4 years ago has inspired so many dudes to get out there to Japan. In fact I even met a couple out here that were like "YOURE that EvilKris dude from YDGTJ"...haha..amazing.

Anyway, in regards to Japanese chicks. Yup they certainly have plenty of bullshit to sandbag you with once you start a 'serious' relationship with them, but they are still well worth it. You'll be hard-pressed to find a Western chick that is as feminine as your average Japanese girl and as petite and kind-hearted. Even after 5 years and dozens and dozens of J-girls Im still consistently amazed at how altruistic they are and how understanding and forgiving they are. You're about to enter a world of easy-loving my friend.

Glad to see another dude has gotten a wake-up call. English chicks..pah..:-)

The AAA that I was referring to is this (taken from his website):

Asian Addicts Anonymous = AAA

I came up with the name a few years ago when I noticed that there were some guys into Asian girls in a big way but kept it a secret. See, where I come from, dating Asian girls isn't very popular, 99.9% of the people here are totally "I like western girls only" and the idea of them dating an Asian is absurd. If you liked Asians then you'd have to be a fool to admit to it. Nothing too racist but its just that some people are very narrow minded when it comes to choosing partners and I bet that there are plenty of other places like that on this planet and that some of you have had similar experiences.

But then I started to notice guys like me, the ones that would steal a quick glance as an oriental girl walked past (while the others wouldn't even bother to raise their heads) and the guys that would always buy the Hong Kong films at the video store. Yeah it does sound a bit seedy but after a few months I started to see familiar faces and found that there were quite a few regulars who were into Asian women too.

So the term Asian Addicts Anonymous is for all those guys (or girls) who are into dating Asians but can't 'come out' until they find a forum like this and judging by the number of posts there are quite a few of you out there.

I've been into asian girls for a long time - http://search.atomz.com/search/?sp-f=iso-8859-1&sp-a=sp05191e00&sp-q=asian - but I've never REALLY gotten into them until recently.

I've dated a couple asian girls in the late 90's but never got very far with them (see the above link for further stories about that). I was fascinated by their beauty and exoticness. My first asian girlfriend was Wakana in 2002, and that was my first taste of how different they are. I initially had issues with her outlook on life, thinking that she had a submissive attitude that I was uncomfortable with. However, it was actually I who had the problem of not understanding her culture.

I was browsing a forum about Japan the other day, and decided to make a comment in answer to something someone said:

ORIGINAL: mokuren

I do think each person are different.but just I need to know them and their natinality way of behave to understand well from my 2year travel experience.

any nationality could understand each other,just keep trying to understand them,without trying to understand you couldn' t be close even if he or she has same nationality.

From Alan: This is true. I had a Japanese girlfriend for about 7-8 months a couple years ago. I had the problem of approaching the relationship from my western point of view. The relationship didn't work. As a result, I learnt a lot from it and about myself.

What I learnt was that if you want to understand someone from another culture, you need to understand the culture. You need to understand what has shaped their attitudes and beliefs. Why do they do the things they do? It's usually because of how they were raised by their parents, the friends they've had, and the pressures of society and the media.

So I learnt that if I want an asian girlfriend, to make a successful relationship with her I need to learn about her culture. That's why I'm here on this forum. So mokuren and anyone else who has had this problem - in future, if you find someone of a different culture that you want to be with and to understand, try to learn about their culture. It can be just as important as learning about who they are as a person, because knowing their culture helps you know them. It will add to your experience of learning who they are.

Since Wakana, I've been with a few other asian women, and I've taken it upon myself to learn more about their culture. As I've understood more about the culture/s, I understood more about Wakana and other asian women. I realised that it wasn't them who had a problem with submissiveness, it was me who had a problem understanding what gentleness and respect and caring was. Being part of western society had 'brainwashed' me into accepting the feminist attitude of 'what can my boyfriend/partner/husband do for me'. The stereotypical view of western women in relationships is that they are in a relationship only for what they can get from it, not for what they can give to it.

As I said, it's a stereotypical view, which is only generally true for women in relationships, but one which I hear about so much and have experienced myself. There are many that aren't as I described, but even law has become a reflection of women's attitudes towards relationships. Marry a woman, or spend a while with her in a de facto relationship, and she can take you to the cleaners if she doesn't get what she wants.

John F Kennedy - "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

Alan Howard - "Ask not what your partner can do for you, but what you can do for your partner."

The latter is what western women generally do not do, and what asian women do. For me, being interested in exchanges of energy on an equal level, I'm far more interested in what I can give to someone who is giving to me. I'm not interested in giving to someone who is only interested in taking.

Simply, and to summarise, I've recognised that personally, my needs will be met in a relationship with an asian woman. As I've learnt, and am fully aware of, "asian women have their share of bullshit as well, ...their values are generally more in line with what I'm looking for in a woman". I know they're not perfect - no one is - but I'm searching for someone with values similar to my own. The transition I'm going through is this focus on asian women rather than western.

I've 'come out' and now end my gradual exploration into the concept. I've been talking about it a lot because I've been coming to terms with what it means for me as a westerner to focus on asian interracial relationships. Now it's 'this is me, and I'm happy with it.' I won't talk so much about it any more, and will simply treat it as how my life is in future journal entries. No more explanations or justifications.

Thank you for joining me in the latest installment of the life of me. It's a pleasure to be with you again.

I've been quiet for a few weeks because I've been processing things that have been happening in my life; particularly the ongoing saga of Zhenzhen.

It's been ongoing because her and I have been swinging back and forth in some kind of twisted pendulum fashion. I move away from her, she follows. I react accordingly and move closer to her, so she moves away. It's been weird, but finally I've gotten tired of it. There's obviously been an attraction between us that's just been unable to be realised. Various things have kept us 'distant' from each other and prevented us from getting closer.

She's in Christchurch (South Island of NZ) for a week, seeing this guy that she met in December. He wants to marry her, and she's interested in being married. I'm not. That automatically has created a barrier between us.

However, over the past few weeks, I've built up very strong feelings for her, from the times we spent together and the conversations we had. I wanted so much more with her, but was unable to get it. And still I hoped things would change.

Up until she left for Christchurch, I made myself available to her as a friend. I told her that if things went to hell with the guy there, that I'd still be someone she could turn to for support, as a good friend.

But I'm not going to be the guy she wants to be with if the other guy doesn't want her, or she finds he's unsuitable. I'm not going to settle for being someone's 'second-best' choice. I had hoped she would move past her confusion about what she wanted (eg. coming close, moving away, etc) before she left, but as soon as she left, I gave all that up. It was a hope I was holding onto, because the possibility of success was so attractive.

I've been talking with my friends about various issues I've had related to this, releasing my feelings and hopes and dreams, all in an attempt to move on. What's been frustrating for me was that for one complication or another, I never got to enjoy anything meaningful with her.

So, next...

Another ongoing thing in my life has been the 'study' of asian cultures, because of my interest in being with an asian woman. I've come to a resolution that while I'm still not limiting myself to only asian women, I'm actually going to focus on dating them more than western women.

The more I find out about them, the more I find attractive. The more I read about other western men's experiences with them, the more I find myself relating to how they feel.

Asian women have values that I like, and that I want in a woman. Please note that I'm NOT saying that they all have attractive/good values, or that all western women don't. I'm simply saying that I'm more attracted to what I've learnt about asian women's values than I am to western women's values.

Today (or yesterday, as I'm writing this) I was reading an article about learning foreign languages, and it talked about 'language exchange'. A good way of learning a foreign language is to teach your own to someone, and have them teach you in return. I was intrigued by this, and was interested in finding out more. I decided I would like to learn Japanese, so I put my name down at a language exchange website that helps bring people together to teach each other languages.

Then Wakana came online, and during our conversation I told her about my new interest. She thought it was an excellent idea, but she gave me another idea. Why not become an English teacher for asian students?

Images of meeting cute asian women flashed through my mind. :blink: It was something I hadn't considered before, and so I talked to her about it. She pointed out to me how it all worked, that 'conversational English education' was an important requirement for many foreign students and that while they might be here to learn English, the language schools teach grammar and punctuation, rather than 'conversational English' and slang.

They're willing to pay for the privilege of engaging me in conversation. Shocked

I found out from her that the pay up to NZ$30 an hour for qualified private lessons, but without qualifications I could charge $15 an hour. Just to sit down over a coffee in a cafe for an hour, and talk about world events and news, movies, etc etc.

I decided to do it. And no, NOT just to meet women. While that's definitely an attraction to it, there's also the value to me of receiving money for it, and to learn about other culture's perceptions on things, and to even learn another language as well.

So I'll be researching that a bit more over the next few days/weeks, and then involving myself into it.

Maybe I'll end up moving to Japan, or China, and teaching English for a living. *shrug* Stranger things have happened in my life.

The reason I'm writing this at 4 in the morning is because I'm working a graveyard shift this week (midnight to 8am). The person who normally is on this shift called in sick for the week, and possibly next week too (?), so they asked if I'd like to do it. Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course! The extra money is always good, that's for sure.

But damn, it really screws around with the body. I haven't trained myself to sleep properly during the day yet. I've only been able to manage about 4-5 hours sleep during the day before I wake up and find that I'm unable to get back to sleep again.

So, by the time I finish today, 72 hours will have passed before I woke up from my last decent sleep. In that time, I have only had 4 hours sleep in the first 48 hours, and 5 hours sleep yesterday. So an average of 3 hours sleep per day.

I'm so knackered right now, it's not funny. And the worst thing is, when I get home, I'm just going to sleep for about 2 hours, then get up and go on a lunch date with this Chinese chick that the dark-toothed girl introduced me to on Friday last week (see below). Once I get home from that, I'm hoping to just crash for some more hours before I head off to work again at midnight tonight. The body (and mind) resents these hours, but the money makes it worth it! Hehehe

So anyway, her name is Joanne, and she's... interesting. She's not my type, as I'm not attracted to her. However, she's intelligent, seems interesting, and I haven't reached the '2 date rule' yet, so I'm meeting her again for lunch.

The 2 date rule is one I created after having met Kylie. When I met her the first time, she was quiet, didn't seem that attractive, and we just didn't click. I told her a few days later that she wasn't my type, and we should just be friends. It obviously challenged her, because the next time we met, a week later, I was there as a friend accompanying her to a dinner date of one of her friends. However, this time she set out to prove that she COULD be my type, and I was absolutely blown away by how different she was when she was more relaxed and assertive about her wants and desires. That was the beginning of 3 months of a very sexual relationship which taught me a lot. Cheesy

So ever since then, where possible, I've had at least 2 dates with all women I've dated, just to allow them to get over any possible first-date nerves etc, and to see what they're like when they're a little more relaxed.

So while Joanne isn't initially my type, I'm willing to see if she might be.