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Sunday, October 13, 2002

All by myself

All By Myself...
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself
Anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Everyone's favourite song when they've lost the love they had - All By Myself by Celine Dion. I've been playing it to myself tonight, feeling sorry for myself. All the stuff I need to go through.

The worst part about all this is going back to being alone. Having no one to want to be with, no one to be wanted by. Coming home to an empty room, with no one there, or no one to call. I feel cold and alone. I have nothing to keep me warm.

Love is about sharing your life with someone who means something. I had someone who meant something. I had this fantastic, warm and loving life, full of joy, excitement, satisfaction. I thought I had this person who just clicked with me on so many different levels. We finished each other's sentences, we had the same attitudes and beliefs. We wanted the same things in life, and we sparked off each other like nothing before.

Where did all that go? For the first time in my life, I was truly ready for everything that she brought into my life. Without hesitation, I wanted what she wanted, I looked forward to sharing a future with her.

And then it was all gone, almost in an instant. Everything that we both wanted, suddenly became something she didn't.

And so I'm sitting here now, wondering what the hell happened.

I feel like I've lost part of myself. I feel an empty hole in my soul. I feel like the very thing that I was born for, to experience life for, to be who I am now for, came into my life and then left. It's almost like having everything that you've dreamed of, suddenly taken away from you. What do you do with what's left? What IS left? An empty hole that once held the essence of happiness.

Obviously I'm not very happy right now. I'm feeling like absolute crap. They say it's easier to deal with when you're the one who takes control and ends a relationship. Bullshit. The reason I ended it is because she wasn't happy with what we had. She couldn't work through it, didn't have time or the inclination. Maybe that'll come later. But what we had wasn't a relationship. What we had wasn't happy, wasn't the wonderful vision of the future that we both shared only a few short weeks ago.

It's all about what I had. I had the vision of happiness, which she once shared. But now that vision was only held by me. It's like she lost the vision. I don't know why. I only know I couldn't continue perpetuating an unhappy relationship.

I've lost the person I've loved the most in my life. I want her to come back, but I have to accept that she's gone. It's over.

When you've found the person who quickly became the person that you felt you'd been searching your entire life for... what do you when they disappear? When you were (apparently) the one they'd been searching for their entire life as well, how do you feel when they suddenly change their mind?

I feel like it's going to be very damn difficult to trust someone again. When someone tells me how wonderful I am, I'll be like, uh huh. I'm wonderful until you change your mind. Oh, we can work through all the problems that we might face? Oh, you absolutely love and understand the value of communication? Of course you do...

Hell, I know I'm bitter right now. I feel like I've been lied to, that everything up until now was a lie. I feel that I've given someone my heart and they've carefully put it through a cheese grater and handed it back to me. I'm sure that's not true, but it's how I feel.

I know things change, as we grow and learn new things about ourselves, I know that relationships can grow together or they can grow apart.

I had just hoped that all of those good things that her and I shared and dreamed about would be encouragement enough to do whatever it takes to work through any growth issues that might have arisen.

My hopes were wrong.

What hurts so much is how much I put into this, only to have it fail yet again.

Once again, I shall retreat into that hermit crab shell and ponder where I went wrong. I know I must have had some part in it failing, I just have to work out what it was.

Life goes on. Sometimes it really, really sucks, and at other times it's paradise. Unfortunately, paradise is harder to find and keep than the sucky bits. I hate that.

Thanks for reading through my 'venting'. Hey, just thanks for reading, and being interested in my life. I think I'll go to bed now and see what else I might dream.

Maybe I'll dream about all those things that I will never forget, and which I loved. Her smile, the way she laughed, the way she felt in my arms, those dreams of hers that she shared with me, her confidence, her positivity, her desire to learn and improve herself. I loved the way she laughed at my jokes, the way she kissed me, the way making love felt. I loved everything there was about her, and I want to never forget them.

I miss her.


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Posted on 10/13/2002 08:32:00 PM Backlinks


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